After 2 years, Jimmy Kimmel finally got to make some jokes about Donald Trump. We mean that the jokes were about something no one knew until now.
So, y’all remember how back in November, 2019, Donald Trump took a mysterious, unannounced, rushed trip to Walter Reed hospital and then claimed it was just a routine annual physical. He was a fraud, but things were what they were. Ever since there’s been a lot of speculation about what it could have been.
According to Stephanie Grisham, former chief of staff to Melania Trump and Trump’s ex-press secretary, the whole thing was actually more ‘extremely stupid’ than ‘extremely dangerous.’ In her new book about her time working for the Trumps, “I’ll Take Your Questions Now,” Grisham says that what happened is that Trump needed to get a colonoscopy. He kept it secret because he didn’t want to be mocked on late-night shows. And because he didn’t want to hand temporary control of the country over to Vice President Mike Pence, he also did the whole thing without anesthesia.
Kimmel has it all.
He also said: “It gives me a lot of satisfaction, as a late night talk show host, to know that he opted to stay awake while they augered his innards with a sewer snake, specifically because he didn’t want us making fun of him.”
But, Kimmel continued, “I also feel cheated. Because when a president, especially this president, gets a colonoscopy, it is my duty, that’s right, duty, to make jokes about it.”
And so, he delivered a few jokes he said he is “contractually and ethically obligated to deliver to you.” We’ll detail them below, verbatim. However, each ended with a drum roll that was reminiscent of a late night show of old-time comedy.
“President went to Walter Reed for a colonoscopy today. It took a while because the doctor kept accidentally sticking the camera in his mouth.”
“You know- As soon as they switched the camera on, Trump turned around and said ‘Hey doc, how are the ratings?’”
“The President’s doctor decided to schedule this procedure after the White House toilet killed itself.”
“It was a good thing Trump had this done because they found two cancerous polyps- were removed immediately.” This was accompanied with a photo of Eric Trump Jr.
“The doctors said the hardest thing about giving Trump a colonoscopy was getting the camera around Mike Pence’s nose.”
“But Trump thought it went great. Overall, he got a perfect report. Afterwards, the whole medical team kept saying, ‘Wow – what an unbelievable asshole!’”
After finishing the bit, Kimmel said “You know what? He gave us a colonoscopy for like 4-years, it’s about time we give it back to him.”
Watch the whole monologue above. Kimmel discusses Trump stuff at the beginning.