Rio and I were both 26 years old when we met on a beach holiday.
My best days were ahead of me. I was single, young and free.
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Rio, on the other hand, was 38, with three kids and widowed – the perfect match. Lol!
It wasn’t exactly what I wanted to go home and tell my mum about, and it certainly wasn’t what I’d imagined when I’d envisaged my future family.
But you can’t control how you feel.
At first, I thought it was pretty easy to love Rio.
I thought, “If they’re his children and he loves them, well, then I’ll love them too.
“And I’ll make it work, because we’re one”. Sorted.
It would be so simple if only.
Looking back I realize that I was very naive.
It took me a long time to build a blended family.
At first I found it difficult to be a stepmum, partly because there was no one with whom I could share my experience and I felt no one would understand what I went through.
That’s why I’ve written my new book, How To Build A Family, about the challenges blended families can face and how to overcome them.
In this extract, I’d like to share some of the issues that came up for our family – Rio, 44, Lorenz, 16, Tate, 14, Tia, 11, and our two year-old son, Cree.
Although sometimes our life may look perfect, I can assure you it’s not.
I’m so grateful now for my big blended family with another – baby girl on the way this year – but it’s been one hell of a journey to get here.
- Extracted by EMILY FAIRBAIRN from How To Build A Family, by Kate Ferdinand, (Vermilion, £16.99), out on May 11.
GRIEF
I MET my stepchildren in 2017.
Their mum Rebecca had passed away two years before and, shortly after I met them, their nan – who had become like a mum to them – also passed, so they went through a double tragedy.
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It was a struggle for me to become a stepparent of children who lost their mother.
If I could bring Rebecca back, I would in an instant because of the pain I’ve seen in them.
It is absolutely horrifying to lose a parent.
You want to scoop them up and bring their mum back to make them happy, but you can’t.
As a step-parent coming into a bereaved home, you can sometimes find yourself in situations where you feel like you’re walking in the steps of someone else’s life.
But what’s strange is that I found myself grieving for Rebecca when I moved in with Rio and the children, even though I didn’t know her.
I remember thinking it was so weird at the time, but when I googled, “Can you take on someone else’s grief?” I realised other step-parents have said the same thing.
I remember feeling really guilty that I was upset, because it wasn’t about me.
But then, when I took some time and thought about it all logically, I came to understand that it’s like there’s a connection between us:
We both were mums of the children. I knew what it would have been like to be a mother and leave her kids. And, we wanted to make sure that Rebecca was happy.
What an odd feeling it is to feel sad and wish that your husband’s previous wife would come back for the sake of the kids.
It’s really important to me that Rebecca is a huge part of our lives and is often in our conversations.
I know so much about her now, so it’s easy for me to bring her up with the kids and try to get involved where I can.
Some of the time, this is successful and sometimes not!
My desire to know more about the kids’ memories and their previous life, and the kids sharing it all with me so openly, is a testament to our relationship.
It has some downsides.
If I’m feeling fragile and have too much info about Rio and his previous wife, it can become very heavy for me. This is an act of balance.
When their mum passed away, my stepchildren all had different ages and dealt with this situation in completely different ways.
The older boys have more memories of their mum and Tia struggles a bit with the fact that she hasn’t.
It’s really hard because they are each grieving differently.
I just try to support the kids in whatever way I can, whether that’s sitting with them, listening to them or just cuddling and chatting with them when their feelings become overwhelming.
Number one for me is to always emphasise that I’m not trying to take the role of their mum.
The way I see it, Rebecca started the job and I’m finishing it.
All three of us – Rio, Rebecca and I – are the kids’ parents.
GETTING MARRIED
Rio and myself would discuss marriage as a matter of family and together.
Rio proposed on October 31, 2018 – with it being Halloween, I’m not sure if he was implying I’m a witch!
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We all celebrated by going out for dinner to celebrate with the kids.
Before we were married I’d sometimes find it difficult, because every time anyone referred to Rio’s “wife” they were talking about Rebecca, which made me feel like a spare part.
I was more confident as a Stepmum after the Wedding.
Rio might argue that I am secure without it, but to me this feeling of security is comforting.
Marriage can be very confusing for children, though, so making them a part of the journey and your decisions is really important.
Rio and I exchanged rings, but I also bought each of the kids a love bracelet to signify that it wasn’t just about me and Daddy, it was about us all coming together as one.
It’s important to bring the kids along with you every step of the way, from the early days of thinking about getting married to the day itself.
We wanted children to play a large part in our special day.
Tia was the maid of honor and Tia escorted me to my wedding.
The three kids all gave speeches, and the entire room was filled with tears.
It was so special and we’ll all remember it for ever.
MOVING IN
MOVE IN with Rio and my kids was the toughest thing I ever did.
One minute you are independent, the next you’re adapting to somebody else’s schedule and getting your head around the logistics of the school run, after-school clubs, bedtime routines and family dinners.
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Not only did I now have children to care for daily, but I didn’t know where anything was and I was surrounded by lots of memories from a former life.
To put it frankly, it just wasn’t my home and it’s taken a long time for me to feel relaxed here.
When I moved in, my modest flat in Essex felt like home. I wanted to spend every day there.
I found myself slotted in to everyone else’s way of life. I thought we should continue to do things the way they did.
It was clear that we would need to adapt and make memories with the new family.
I know I’m not the only step-parent to find there are difficult conversations to be had about things changing in the home.
As a family, you will feel much better after having these discussions and giving everyone, including your children, a voice.
You can’t do these things quickly, though.
At the forefront of all our decisions was (and still is) how this would make the kids feel – and this then guided us through each decision we made.
It was also necessary to decide what to do about the pictures of Rebecca scattered throughout the home.
The wall was a massive collection of family photos, arranged in a tree behind the stairs, which could be seen from all rooms of the home.
I felt awkward. It felt like I shouldn’t really be there and I was embarrassed to invite my friends over.
It’s such a fine balance making sure you feel comfortable in your own home while not erasing the other parent’s memory.
But we came up with creating a room we now call “Mum and Nan’s room”.
It wasn’t easy making this change and, again, we had lots of conversations.
We framed the pictures and placed them in this room.
We still sit in Mum and Nan’s room, and we still talk about both of them.
Now we’re all comfortable because there’s space for everyone.
It sounds easy when you say it like that, but it wasn’t. It was a long process.
For me, it wasn’t about removing Rebecca’s presence from the house – it was more about creating a happy space to keep their memories alive
AWKWARD QUESTIONS
“ARE they your kids?”, “How many children do you have?”, “Are you their mum?”
These dreaded “why me?” questions. I always struggled when I first got asked these and, though people probably didn’t mean to upset me or make me anxious, they always did.
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It is not uncommon for me to be really irritated by this topic.
Although I’m not their biological mum, I still call Lorenz, Tate and Tia my kids. Cree makes me a mother of four. I am a mother of four.
When you tell me I’m wrong, I correct you. It will cause me problems if I am treated differently by you than the others.
All four children deserve to be treated the same.
You may ask me if I’m their mother. If so, I say no. They are my stepchildren.
Questions like this may keep popping up in public and it’s inevitable that people will refer to you as the kids’ mum or dad – “I’ve just given it to your mum”, “You and your dad can come in now”.
This can feel awkward at times. It’s kind of like the elephant in the room and it takes a lot of energy to correct people, so there may be times when you let it go.
But it’s important you’ve had a private chat with your partner and the kids about these potential situations and agree on what would work best as a family.
You will feel better about asking the question again.