- I’m a mom to five children through birth and adoption.
- I became pregnant with my fifth baby while going through a difficult time in my marriage.
- I was unable to have a planned baby, but it gave me the strength to get out of bed each day after my husband’s departure.
It’s not a good idea to get pregnant if your marriage is on the verge of falling apart. And yet I did — unintentionally. However, the majority of my pregnancies weren’t planned. Three of my four biological children were unplanned. The second miscarriage delayed the arrival of my planned child by an additional year. My daughter is the fifth.
My daughter began begging for a baby sibling when she was in kindergarten. She felt outnumbered by the boys, and she desperately needed an ally. I laughed at her and told her it was unlikely. I was 40 years old and her father had just left the family. He was also dissolving our marriage.
He returned to his family in a state of guilt. He had decided that he didn’t want his children to be fatherless like he was. I reluctantly agreed to take him back. I was shocked when the test revealed that I was pregnant. It wasn’t that I didn’t realize such a thing could happen — it’s just that in the midst of so much turmoil, the last thing we needed was a baby.
When my husband returned from the hospital, I advised him to have his vasectomy. I had done everything: labor and delivery. He was willing to do a little surgery. He didn’t say no, but he never said yes. The inevitable happened and my response was complex.
I was 42 years old and reeling from his unfaithfulness. I wasn’t sure my husband would make a renewed commitment for me or the children. In addition, years before that, I’d had to accept that I was done being a mother.
I was done with having babies
I remember the afternoon I spent sorting through the baby clothes stored in the attic. All the paraphernalia was too full of memories. It was hard to accept that this phase of my life was finished.
It was difficult to deal with the emotions. Being pregnant was my favorite thing. I loved showing off my big stomach. But there comes a time in a woman’s life when she reaches the conclusion that she’s done. Given how many children I had, you would think it would have been simple for me to do that. But it was so difficult.
After my purge, only two cartons of baby items remained. They held the items I just couldn’t part with: the white gown, cap, and blanket all my children wore on the days they first arrived home, the special stuffed animals that will always be part of the family, the tiny green corduroy overalls with the matching red-and-green-striped shirt that were just too cute not to keep.
My husband thought my greatest concern was the lack of supplies. He said that we would just buy what we need. This was his solution to a complex problem. He didn’t get it.
It was not an easy pregnancy. I wasn’t happy, even though I was healthy. I felt very unattractive and large, even though my second-trimester nail tips were amazing. I was very grateful for the entire nine-month period. I was able to adjust and get excited about the new addition to our family.
It was easy and quick. They fell in love instantly with their brother who arrived at the 16th birthday of his oldest sibling. Although my daughter was disappointed that I hadn’t delivered her sister, she eventually allowed us to bring the baby home.
I wouldn’t have ever planned to have a fifth baby, but I’m glad he’s here. After the baby turned eight months, his father decided to move out of our family permanently. His siblings were there to provide the support and care he needed. They provided strong guidance, roughhousing, cuddling, and coddling. I had the worst time of my life, and he gave me hope and a reason every day to rise.
Susan Solomon Yem is a grandmother of one, and mother to five. Through her content for Singleminded Parenting, she writes about parenting, education, women’s issues, and supports parents who raise their children by writing.