ALWAYS putting others first can take a real toll on your health – don’t forget, it’s important to take care of you, too.
As one eighth of adults in the UK knows, being a carer can be difficult. A staggering 6.5million people care for someone they love, with 58% of those caring for them being women, according to Carers UK.
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You might be looking after ailing parents, or a child or sibling with additional needs – and that’s alongside the housework, paying the bills, and getting the kids off to school.
You can easily fall to the bottom of the pile if you neglect to look after yourself. And with 72% of carers saying they have suffered mental illness, and 61% physical illness, as a result of caring, it’s vital to protect your mind and body. But that doesn’t have to mean splashing out on a pricey spa day.
“If you believe you shouldn’t have needs, that belief shows up in the choices you make and in your priorities, which will lead to exhaustion, resentment, self-criticism and exploitation,”Rod Vincent, along with Jess Baker (chartered psychologist), is the co-authors of The Super-Helper Syndrome. “You have needs – everyone does. It’s about knowing what your needs are and paying attention to them.”
Here’s how to carve out some precious time for yourself, which will help you and those you care for.
Understanding Self-Care isn’t Selfish
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Wanting to spend time on yourself is not selfish, even if we’re sometimes made to feel that it is.
“There’s a view that if you’re a woman working and looking after family, everything should always be about other people and it’s wrong to look after yourself,”Jess. You can reduce your guilt by switching the language in your head.
“Be aware of thoughts containing the words ‘should’, ‘must’, ‘ought to’ or ‘shouldn’t have done that’, as they’re signs of irrational thinking. Without realising it, these are internal commands we try to meet, and in doing so, we disregard our own needs,”She says. “Instead, use language such as: ‘I’m doing my best’, ‘I deserve to have my own needs met’,
‘The better I care for myself, the better I can care for others.’”
You can put some time in the diary for yourself
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Book it in your calendar to help you ringfence your self-care.
“It’s not so much ‘finding time’ as re-prioritising it. Imagine that you are booking in a meeting with an important customer or someone you love – treat time to yourself with the same priority. You wouldn’t cancel at the last minute or find an excuse to bow out, which we so often do when it comes to ourselves,”Jess.
“As for what you do with that time, think about what you enjoy doing, as opposed to what you feel you ‘should’ be doing, and don’t beat yourself up about all the things you’re not doing.
“Giving yourself that time is going to replenish and re-energise you, so you’ll feel better about yourself – and that’s going to have a positive impact on the people around you.”
Evaluate Your Relationships
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Caring can become a natural part of your personality, and can lead to caring in other relationships as well. This can be exhausting.
“Look at the people around you, such as your partner and friends,”Rod. “Are they really friends, or are they people you’re also helping? You need to have people who give as much to you as you give to them, or even more so, if you’re helping others a lot,”Rod.
Rod suggests Rod’s suggestions if you feel that someone is draining resources. “Understand what your boundaries are, know what you are prepared to do and not do, who you’re going to help, how and when. Don’t be afraid of saying no, and don’t apologise. Saying: ‘I’d like to help, but it’s not convenient for me at the moment,’ is a polite and clear way of doing so.”
Resentment should not build up
Are you starting to resent those you love?
Jess says this typically happens if you, the person you’re caring for, or both of you, are ignoring your needs.
“Discuss how you are feeling, and what those needs are,”Jess. It could be space or a change in routine.
“Having a difficult conversation is better than waiting, because resentment doesn’t go away by itself but builds up like water behind a dam – and when it breaks through, it can hurt everyone.”
Ask for assistance
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Carers can be very bad at asking for help.
“Having someone to talk to, who will listen to you rather than you always being the one listening, is something we all need,”Rod. “So don’t feel like a burden for asking for that.”
Jess says to be specific about the type of help you need. “You might not want a friend to come up with solutions, but just to listen. There are also 24-hour helplines to whom you can offload.”Samaritans can be reached at 116 123 for a free call
Carers UK, meanwhile, connects carers with other carers, so that you can chat to someone who knows what you’re going through. The charity also helps you navigate the care system, with advice on everything from how to manage a loved one’s affairs, to handling hospital stays and end-of-life care.
Remember that you have a choice
Caring for someone can make you feel stuck, no matter how much you love them. This could be due to a lack or support or the feeling of being overwhelmed by all you have to do. You can control some of these things, but you can look at what you have to do.
“Honestly appraise your situation and realise what your options are,”Rod agrees. Rod suggests that you seek external support through Carers Trust (Carers.org), who can provide financial advice to unpaid carers and connect you with local groups that offer respite care and short stays so you can take a break for a few nights.
Rod suggests that you can reduce your load by changing your outlook. “Realising you have a choice is beneficial, even if you choose to carry on doing what you’re doing. Choosing to carry on because you love this person and want the best for them and you’re choosing to do that, can lead to feeling liberated rather than trapped.”
Be present in the moment
Even small amounts of time can make a difference.
Rod and Jess recommend that you rethink how you perform mundane, everyday tasks in order to use these moments as a restful mental escape.
“There is a lot of science to back up the benefits of being present on purpose,”Jess.
She recommends listening to calming music or a guided meditation – try the Buddhify app – when you walk the dog or do the food shop, to calm and ground yourself.
Rod adds: “I often sit for a couple of minutes and just focus on my breathing. It takes me out of the day-to-day rush or the panic I might be in to get something done.”