Talking to someone on defence can seem difficult. Talks can quickly turn into fights and discussions into debates. It can become so tiring that you decide to avoid confrontation.
You will only end up with a lumpy carpet if you throw enough junk under the floor. Some point, something’sto give.
Luckily, learning to communicate with an overly defensive person isn’t unfeasible—it just takes a little practice.
Keep your intentions upfront and calmly state them
A sudden conversation can look like an attack to a defenceless person. They will be more defensive if you catch them off guard.
Give them a few seconds to brace. It’s simple. “Hey, I want to talk to you about _____. I don’t want you to feel attacked or defensive. All I want is to tell you how I feel.”
Continue on, “I know this might be awkward, but I think it’s important to discuss,” Another great way to break the ice is by using humour. A serious, tense discussion is something few people like to have. Let them know you are dealing with the discomfort together and not as two opposing teams.
Although you might not notice them raising their eyebrows, at least you gave a preface for the discussion. This simple step can help keep someone open to communication.
Lead with ‘I’ Statements & Avoid Hyperbole
You might be tempted to immediately get everything off the table once you start a discussion. Relationship experts recommend taking your time, even if there are a lot of grievances.
“Going in with guns blazing or dumping everything you’re feeling onto your partner likely won’t go well,” Tracy Ross, LCSW is a family therapist and couples therapist.
Get down to the details. Begin by using “I” Statements An example of a general template is “I feel ____ when ____ because I _____.”Other useful “I” Statements can sound like: “I think,” “I need,” “I want,” “in the future, I’d like to ____.”
Avoid if at all possible “you” Statements It is possible thisis what you need to do. It is possible to make me feel this way. This language alienates the other person, making them feel like they’re under a microscope.
It’s also best to ditch any hyperbolic language like “always” “never.” You’re likely exaggerating to make a point, which happens to the best of us.
Ross clarifies that however “the natural response in the other person is to find the exception, which can start them down a defensive rabbit hole.”
Don’t Forget To Include Yourself In The Conversation
People who are defensive will be quick to shift the focus away from their own needs and towards the other person. This can be hurtful and confusing, but it’s just another way for them to protect themselves.
“When you share the pain with your loved one, that bright spotlight shifts from you to them. The defensiveness is a way to shift the spotlight back onto you, instead of keeping it on what really matters,” explained Jeninne Estes Families therapist.
It might seem counterintuitive but sometimes it is the best thing to beat the defensive side to the punch. You must accept your part in the situation.
Conflict in relationships always involves two people. In the heat of guilt, a defensive person may forget that. Remind them that you’re there to solve the problem together.
Ask Questions & Stay Curious
Or, perhaps you don’t know what made them feel. Maybe you don’t realize the extent to which your actions (or inactions) caused this confrontation. Don’t guess; ask.
Additionally, KeepAsk questions until they are understood suggestions for Executive Coach Bruce Roselle “Using statements like, ‘Please tell me more about your feelings,’ or ‘Help me understand what upset you,’ can begin to attenuate a defensive reaction.”
When the other person responds to your questions, make sure you’re listening actively. It is also possible. “Be sincerely curious about their response,” Estes added.
Don’t Lose Your Temper & Know When To Walk Away
Our tendency to be defensive is an unfortunate side effect. Fighting or Flee response. This response is only exacerbated by anger, shouting, or other expressions of emotion.
Regardless of how difficult it may be, don’t lose your temper. “Put down that pitchfork and stay focused on the feelings of hurt underneath it all,” said Estes. Take a break if neither of you is able to calm down.
“So long as you agree to come back to the conversation in, say, 20 minutes, that time alone can be just what a person needs to understand your intentions,” Ross explained.
You can’t fight a defensive fire with more fire. It’s crucial to know when it’s time to table the discussion for another time.
Keep in mind where their defensiveness comes from
Lastly, and perhaps most importantly, remember where this person’s defensiveness is coming from. Our own defensive natures can lead us to believe it’s a result of something wedid.
But most of the time, this couldn’t be further from the truth. Defensiveness, Estes explained, is “rarely intentional. Rather, it’s a knee-jerk reaction that shields the person from guilt and self-doubt.”
A defensive attitude can be a result of an A tough childhood You can also call it a The traumatizing past. It is possible for children to develop defensive responses in order to deal with difficult situations. These defensive behaviours can lead to bad habits as adults.
People who grew up with Low Self-esteem are also more likely to be defensive. Confronting your shortcomings can prove fatal for those with a poor self-image.
Brick walls aren’t built for no reason. Sometimes, those who are most defensive are also the ones most in pain. Be patient, compassionate, calm and steady.
You should eventually be able, together, to remove those walls brick-by-brick.