This story might be very familiar to many. Most people’s lives have been touched by someone with special needs. A child may have special needs. One possibility is that you have had to work with the population, or that you have a sibling with a developmental disability. You know how diverse the population is, regardless of what the case may be.
Special needs families often empathize with one another. They support each other, offer help when needed, and understand the difficulties of daily life. However, there should always be boundaries. A mama bear will protect her child when these boundaries are crossed.
Recently, one mother second-guessed herself and asked Reddit if she was in the wrong for telling another special needs mom that her daughter isn’t responsible for her child. The response to her question was somewhat confusing in the comments. Let’s break it down.
A Review Of The Situation
A mom, let’s call her Rachel, came to Reddit with a query.
Rachel is the mother to two children. Her younger child, David (7 years old), is autistic. Maria (14 years) takes care of her older brother, sometimes in an informal caring role. Rachel explained that she tries to ensure Maria doesn’t take on so much responsibility that she loses out on living her own life, but this doesn’t always happen.
“Sometimes Maria does have to step up when I and my husband fail,”Rachel wrote. “But, I always make sure to make it up to her and reward her for the time she helps us out like I would a normally paid caretaker.”
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Maria was enrolled by Rachel in an art camp this summer. Rachel claims that Maria had been anticipating the camp for several months before she went. Her attitude changed quickly when she got there. Rachel claims Maria was basically “assigned”To watch over a baby girl called “Helen”Who happens to be autistic? According to Rachel, Maria spent most of her time at camp helping Helen with projects, sometimes to the point that she couldn’t work on any of her own projects the entire day.
Rachel was shocked to learn about the situation. She immediately contacted the camp, demanding her money back. As she was talking to the camp directors, they said that Helen’s mother claimed they were close friends and had asked for this arrangement. Neither Helen’s mother nor the camp had confirmed with Rachel this arrangement would be OK.
After that conversation, Rachel contacted Helen’s mom to have a conversation. Rachel says she “went off” at Helen’s mom asking why she felt it was okay to ruin Maria’s time at camp. Helen’s mom stated her daughter wanted to do the art program but was afraid she couldn’t do it alone. It would be fine, as Maria was familiar with special needs children and Helen felt at ease around her.
Rachel states, “She then yelled at me, called me a heartless a**hole, and said that I should know where she was coming from.”
After the conversation with Helen’s mom, Rachel spoke to her husband about the ordeal. He maintains that they should only take it up with the camp and shouldn’t have contacted Helen’s mom directly. Rachel ended up pulling Maria from camp and hiring a private tutor to help her learn, as she had missed the camp.
Who’s Wrong with Them?
Most comments supported Rachel’s fact that she was Not the a**hole in the art camp situation. The commenters agreed that Maria shouldn’t HaveYou will need to look after another child.
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One of the top commenters, however, pointed out one of Maria’s own comments, taking issue with it. “‘Maria does have to step up when I and my husband fail.’ Do better. Because I guarantee the biggest reason she’s disappointed she couldn’t do the art program is that she needed a break from parenting her brother, and didn’t get one. I get that you compensate her, but time is a finite resource she isn’t going to get back.”
However, there were many comments that supported Rachel. “There are definitely limits, but siblings helping out with other siblings or doing other household duties is just something that happens sometimes as part of keeping a household running. This is something that has occurred all throughout human history in pretty much every society because it’s the norm for our species.”
We are all in agreement that the situation at the camp could and should have been handled differently. Helen would have needed an assistant or helper from her mother if she had not made arrangements with her mother. It is irresponsible to expect another child will take on such a huge responsibility. We hope the camp and Helen’s mother have learned something from the experience.