AN expert has revealed the four factors that predict a relationship breaking down.
The four behaviours, despite being toxic, may at first seem insignificant.
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But while one trait was described as “deadly”, another was said to be the biggest cause of a divorce within six years of marriage.
Dr Kathy Nickerson, from Orange County, California, revealed the four key behaviours that indicate a split might be on the horizon: criticism, contempt, defensiveness and stonewalling.
“Did you know that there are four behaviours, that if you do them in your relationship, they predict breakup or divorce at the rate of over 90 per cent?,” Dr Kathy asked.
She draws on the work of psychologist and renowned marriage researcher Dr John Gottman, who identified these four behaviours as the “Four Horsemen”.
“Gottman found that if some or all of these behaviours were present with enough frequency, the connection and friendship at the heart of a marriage would die,” Dr Kathy said.
Criticism
Dr Kathy said: “Criticism occurs when you make harsh judgments about your partner’s thoughts, feelings, character, appearance, and behaviour.
“An example of criticism is ‘Oh, so you’re just going to sit on the couch today again, huh? You are such a lazy person, you never do anything to help, you’re such a blob.'”
She explained criticism damages the relationship because it conveys judgement and lack of acceptance.
She warned: “If you do not feel accepted and liked by your partner, you will not feel comfortable sharing with them and your emotional connection will deteriorate rapidly.”
FIX IT: Dr Kathy said: “Is your partner being overly critical? If so, ask them to give you feedback in a kind and gentle way.”
Contempt
Contempt is “poison to a relationship”, Dr Kathy said.
“We act with contempt when we convey, through our words or facial expressions, that our partner is worthless, disgusting, or less than.
“An example of contempt is ‘I cannot believe I married such a disgusting person. You’ve really let yourself go. Looking at you repulses me.'”
Dr Kathy explained Gottman found that contempt is the number one predictor of divorce within the first six years of a marriage.
She said: “It is hard to like or feel safe with someone who constantly tells you how flawed and damaged you are.”
FIX IT: “Are either of you acting with contempt? If so, be mindful of how poisonous this is to your relationship and push yourself to communicate with compassion and respect.”
Stonewalling
“Stonewalling” is when you shut down and withdraw from a conversation when your partner is speaking.
This could go as far as standing up and leaving the room just to get away.
Dr Kathy said: “Stonewalling is so deadly for a relationship because we need to feel that our partner listens to us and cares about our feelings.
“If our partner just walks away from us, we do not feel heard, we do not feel understood, we do not feel validated and we start to feel very unloved and disconnected.”
FIX IT: Dr Kathy said: “If either of you is stonewalling, try asking for a break instead.
“Many people stonewall when they feel emotionally overwhelmed during a conversation. Instead of just getting up and checking out, ask for a break and then go to a quiet place and calm yourself down.”
Defensiveness
Dr Kathy explained this is when someone jumps to defend themselves in a conversation with their partner instead of taking responsibility.
She said: “If your partner is sharing why they are hurt by something you did and you quickly launch into every explanation for why it couldn’t be done, odds are you are being defensive.”
She warned defensiveness is problematic for a relationship because both partners need to feel like they can influence the other to feel ‘safe’.
She says not being able to do so can result in feelings of powerlessness and less connection to your partner.
FIX IT: “If you or your partner is being defensive, try to catch yourself. People need to be listened to and validated before they hear any explanations or arguments.
“So ask yourself: did they fully express their idea and did I validate their feelings?
“If so, then it’s okay to offer your explanation. If not, stop and listen before saying anything else.”
Dr Kathy warned that when these behaviours become so frequent in a relationship, the “friendship and heart” of a marriage die.
It’s hard for couples to turn this back around – but it may not be too late for you.
Dr Kathy said: “Start with being more positive, kinder, more helpful, and more complimentary to your partner,” she said.
“Try to generate some goodwill and then add some fun into the mix – watch a new program together, play a game, go for a walk.
“The combination of positivity and fun is very healing for a relationship.”