- To have sexual intercourse, I waited until I turned 41.
- At 16 I made a vow in a church that I would wait for the marriage to have sexual relations. It became my own story to untangle, not the church’s responsibility.
- My toddler taught us that there are infinite firsts.
It took me 41 years to get my first child. Sexual intercourseIn a committed, loving relationship with a man. The man I am married to is the father of my child.
When I was 16 years old, I decided to be part of a True Love Waitsceremony at a church, where I promised to wait for marriage before I had sex. Although this was an experience that planted a seed in me, I’m not blaming it. “purity culture”for the falsely safe control patterns I made. It became my web to unravel.
I didn’t wait for marriage until my mid-20s. I knew deep down that I wanted to experience intercourse in a loving relationship. My strong libido made it difficult to have sexual intercourse. However, I was afraid that celibacy would make it more difficult.
But after dating over 100 men in the span of 20 years, I learned it’s possible — even Healthy — to wait to have sex in a committed and loving relationship.
Waiting to get what I wanted was a good thing. But LongingIt was not healthy to chase down rejection for 25 years and be unable men.
In the end, I discovered that virginity can be as valuable as you make it. Contrary to popular belief, you can still be whole no matter what you do with sex.
I didn’t lose the best sex years in my life
There is no one you owe sex. It’s not the person who brought you to five-star restaurants, flew to the Bahamas, or said that you seduced him. You know you do. You owe your selfPermission to have sex whenever and wherever you are ready.
My New York Times essay from 35 years old “Does my virginity have a shelf life?”The video went viral. I received advice from all over the planet that I was wasting my most important sex years.
These strangers didn’t know how often I had to orgase.
It still mattered to my 41-year-old self when I had my first sexual encounter. It was fun, liberating, and at times, a bit scary. “I’ll have what she’s having” good.
After more than two decades of dating, I realized that there is nothing more satisfying than sexing with someone who truly loves me.
I am 43 years old and have been waiting 16 months to have a child.
It is addictive to long for Mr. Big
We all have a Mr. Big in our lives — people who are physically, mentally, and emotionally unavailable.
In my 20s, I was dating a Chicago-based farmer painter. We’d go on weekend flings several times a year in my 30s. It was more comfortable — even thrilling — to long for love from him than risk accepting love from someone who I feared might disappear. He didn’t love me. He rarely returned my calls.
Our BrainsOur brains are wired for the desire to have what we don’t. AnticipationDopamine is released when we are not able to attain the things we desire. Longing, like alcohol and drugs, is a temporary escape from the reality. I realized that my longings were temporary and I no longer believed I had control.
Although I wasn’t having sex as many of my peers I did accept the pervasive cultural norms. MessageThat tells women they are stronger feminists because of their emotionally disconnected intimacy.
I was so good at dissociating from men during alcohol-fueled encounters that I had to break up with an ER doctor I dated. My body began shaking every time I had an intimate relationship with another man after him.
I couldn’t allow my body to live a lie anymore — to pretend it didn’t need emotional intimacy. After six months of heartbreak and several more dating mistakes, I met my husband.
There are many. “firsts.” My infant daughter taught me this.
In her first year of her life, she received her mail for the first time, got to kiss her daddy, ate her first piece chocolate, and did her first daddy/daughter dance. It doesn’t matter what book mothers write about the important firsts. We instill value in our first experiences. Find joy in every day by looking for the firsts.