I stopped having sex, thought I hated my husband and quit my job because of the menopause

Rage coursing through her veins, Kathryn Colas screamed at her husband Antonio over yet another petty thing.

It was their fifth argument of the week, and their 20th in a month.

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“I couldn’t go on,” she says. “I was yelling and screaming at him non-stop about everything – household chores, the kids, what we should eat…

“We’d stopped having sex, and at times I thought I hated him.”

Kathryn didn’t know it at the time, but she was in the depths of the menopause – and over the next 10 years she would tell her husband of 25 years she wanted a divorce, walk away from her much-loved career – and even worry that she was losing her mind.

“I felt completely lost and questioned my own sanity,” Kathryn, 70 years old, is from Uckfield, East Sussex.

“In the midst of it all, I felt that all I wanted was a hug. A hug I could just sink into and feel loved without any sexual connotations.

“I was in such a dark place. Depressed, I didn’t know who I was any more, what my place on this earth was really all about.

“I wondered if it would be best if I wasn’t here at all.

“I would say this to my reflection in the bathroom mirror every day and I was previously an optimistic person.”

By early 2006 it had started taking its toll on her marriage.

“Ever since we met after Antonio travelled to the UK from his native Spain to learn English, I’d always considered him the love of my life.

“We got married in September 1975 in Oxhey, Hertfordshire, and had our girls in 1978, 1980 and 1993.

“There was the odd bicker of course. We were happy together, and we had a loving relationship. Our marriage was not going to end in divorce.

“Suddenly though, everything he did annoyed me and I’d find myself picking fights over the most innocuous of things. He would shout back that it was all my fault and I would retreat into my own shell because I couldn’t find the words to express how I felt.

“My brain just wouldn’t or couldn’t find the words. We had big rows. I was shouting back but it would always end in my tears and us distancing ourselves from each other both physically and metaphorically. It was a terrible atmosphere. I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy.”

The couple decided to take a trip to South America in the spring to commemorate their silver wedding anniversary, despite all their difficulties.

“It should have been the trip of a lifetime,” says Kathryn. “But I still felt totally lost. I felt like a doormat. I blame Antonio for everything.

“We seemed so distant, so out of touch with each other. Soon after the trip, and after another weekend of disaster after another.

“We were constantly rowing about anything and nothing. I couldn’t cope with the feelings of being so unworthy. This wasn’t me but I didn’t know who I was. I said: ‘Let’s make ourselves happier and end things’.

“I wrongly diagnosed myself with bipolar disorder, which causes periods of extreme depression and mania.”

“We both agreed and said we would each see a solicitor the next day. It was all I could see was an abyss. It was a black hole of despair from which I believed I would never be able to recover.

“I knew in divorcing Antonio, now 74, what I was giving up – years of marriage, my status and a beautiful home. These are not only material items, but also very important. They are very important to people. It wasn’t a decision we’d made easily.

“I was about 52 by this time. One child was at university, while the other was employed and had left home. The youngest was still at home. She was at boarding school, which is a weekly boarder. Without her, I believe that I would have committed suicide.

“Again, I questioned my own sanity. Was I mad?

“We carried on living together, tiptoeing around each other. He threatened to move out although he didn’t in the end.”

And it wasn’t just her marriage which was tumbling down.

Kathryn, who’d worked her way up the corporate ladder and was proud of her executive salary as a sales and marketing director for a country house hotel in Surrey, suddenly quit her job.

“My bosses didn’t want me to,” says Kathryn. “But I felt I couldn’t cope with anything any more. It didn’t make sense. I couldn’t make a decision to save my life. I was used to holding so many plates in my hands and they all fell around me.

“When I left school at 16, I was very proud of myself because I had qualified as a shorthand typist, and went into secretarial work before becoming a PA, then moving into sales and marketing.

“I had always felt ‘capable’, able to adapt to whatever was thrown at me.

“Having a major role running a hotel was the best job ever. It was something I was good at and that I loved.

“But suddenly I felt out of place and out of my depth.I didn’t know what I was doing.”

Kathryn once flew into a rage and wiped everything from her desk.

“It was basically over nothing,” She said. “I made a decision about a situation and my husband overruled that decision.

“I just saw red. I wanted everything to fall apart. This was not the best message I could send to my senior executives. I quickly got rid of everything on my desk and set off to walk in the woods. I was fortunate to be alone that afternoon, and thought no one was there to see what happened. But I was sure someone was because my desk was clean when I returned to work.

“It wasn’t like me. I just didn’t know what was going on. I started to investigate my symptoms, including my arguments at home and my lack of control at the office. Bipolar disorder causes depression and mania, which I incorrectly diagnosed.

“This is when I resigned and said I couldn’t work.”

Kathryn, 52 years old, thought she was suffering from a breakdown. She went to her GP and described her symptoms: loss of libido; hot sweats; confusion.

“My GP diagnosed depression and referred me to a psychiatrist who offered antidepressants which I declined,” She said. “Through my research, I came across the British Menopause Society (BMS) and joined, attending all the medical conferences and making notes.

“They were describing my symptoms in detail. It was amazing. I was then elected by my peers onto the Medical Advisory Council of the BMS where I had close connections with professors and experts on every ‘ology’ you could think of.

“I was lucky enough to interview one of those experts, now retired Professor John Studd, when I was about 56 and I tentatively asked him about bipolar, as I ticked all the boxes.

“He dismissed that and I learnt that my mental health issues were related to hormones and it was all part of the menopause.

“Like so many women, I had no idea quite how severe the impact could be.

“Some menopause specialists implied that my experience was rare but it isn’t. Women do not tell their GPs or specialists all this. They don’t know anxiety and mental health issues can all be part of the menopause transition.”

“Brilliant women with years of experience, shouldn’t be put out to pasture because they are going through something of which they have no control.”

Kathryn received HRT (hormone replacement therapy) which replaced the hormones in her body. She now takes progesterone via vaginally as well as oestrogen gel and testosterone.

The results have been remarkable. I found my ‘normal’. I felt great when I woke up. I also felt more creative. My symptoms stopped being so severe. Best of all, I felt great and my libido was back. And sex was no more painful.

“As it began to have an impact on my mood, I realised that I loved Antonio – I always had – and I didn’t want to be separated from him.

“Thankfully, he forgave me and we are still together 15 years on.

“Work wanted me to come back, they were incredibly understanding, but I realised that I needed to do something different.

“I wanted to raise awareness of the menopause among businesses.

“So, in 2007 aged 57, I launched my first website, SimplyHormones. I wanted to spread the word. This led me to publish a book called How to Survive Menopause While Keeping Your Mind Open. I also launched The Kathryn Colas Academy in 2020.

“We launched with a pilot training course for professional trainers to understand about menopause in the workplace and a brand new community was born.

“I want people, both men and women, young and old alike, to understand that menopause is an actual thing and women are experiencing real symptoms and real distress.

“There’s been great strides in raising awareness of important issues like mental health and pregnancy in the workplace and I applaud that.

“But now menopause needs to take centre stage.

“Bosses have to realise the truly huge impact it can have on women as young in their 30s to their 60s and actually how recognising menopause can have huge benefits within the workplace.

“Look at what it did to me – I resigned from my job as a senior executive because of it. It was like living with someone new to you, my husband said.

“But women, brilliant women with years of experience, shouldn’t be put out to pasture because they are going through something of which they have no control.

“This is a real issue impacting women the UK over. It’s something I will fight to resolve.”

For more information visit Kathryn Colas Academy.

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