Experts reveal the not-so-obvious signs that your friend or family member might be in an abusive relationship

IF YOU find out a family member or friend was in an abusive relationship, you’ll likely wonder if you missed any tell-tale signs.

Well, Central Recorder spoke to various experts that explained to us what signs we should be looking out for if we suspect abuse – and what to do.

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ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIP?

First, you need to realize that abuse can not only be physical. It can also be mental, emotional and financial.

Sometimes, it’s those who seem happy and in love with each other that can be the most abusive behind closed doors.

Relationship expert Sonya Schwartz, the founder of Her Norm, told Central Recorder: “As a relationship expert, it has become hard nowadays to spot someone who is in an abusive relationship because most of them are not physically abused which we can’t spot immediately.”

However, through her years of practice, she and other experts have been able to figure out a series of patterns that could be telling.

CHANGE OF STYLE

Of course, in physically abusive relationships, bruises and cuts are a hard-tell that someone might be abused, but additionally, a victim will change the way they dress, wear their hair, and even do their makeup.

Mirlo Liendo, a social worker with more than 25 years of experience with abused people, explained that this might be to “appease their partner.”

The abuser is most likely controlling and could want their partner to wear more conservative clothing so she doesn’t attract attention. They may also ask for them to wear long sleeves and jeans to conceal their bruises.

DISTANT

Someone who might be in an abusive relationship could suddenly find themselves isolated from those they love.

This could be because they are ashamed of what’s happening to them and are afraid of others finding out or because they aren’t “allowed” to see their friends and family anymore, explained Liendo.

You might see them canceling plans at the last moment or cutting off communication to their loved ones.

“OVEREMOTIONAL”

Emily Mendez, M.S. EdS revealed that abusers often appear emotionally.

The trauma caused by the abuse can cause anxiety and depression.

“This behavior (anxiety or fear) is especially concerning if the person
doesn’t normally have a history of being overly emotional. If their anxiety and depression are present and it’s out of the ordinary, trauma is to blame.”

An abuse victim will often be negative about themselves and display low self-esteem.

TAKING THE BLAME

If the abuser is known for having a temper, the victim might always be taking the blame for their behavior.

Mendez revealed that because “abusers often blame the victim for their outbursts and violence,” they just tend to believe it and relay the information.

Victims are often blamed if the abuser is physically abusive. It will often happen that the victim is also blamed if the abuser has an unfavorable day at work or gets in a car accident.

The victim will blame the abuser for all the problems in their relationship, not the abuser.

TRYING TO PLEASE

Someone who is the victim of domestic violence will do anything in their power to please their partner to prevent further abuse.

This might not be possible because the abuser may blame the victim in all circumstances.

PLAYING DOWN THE ABUSE

“Victims will also sometimes play down physical abuse that occurs,” explained Mendez.

The victim will often blame their partner for the outburst and focus on that behavior, again taking responsibility.

Someone who is being abused will overexplain to friends and minimize the abuse – they “may be afraid that if they say what is going on, there will be retaliation.”

CHANGES IN RELATIONSHIP STATUS

First, someone who is in an abusive relationship, often knows they are being abused and will shy away from deep conversations with friends about the relationship.

Sometimes the victim won’t talk about the relationship at all and will avoid sharing their feelings.

“While your friend or loved one may not share with you the intimate details of their relationship ups and downs, you may be privy to the changes in outward relationship status,” explained Jessica January Behr, Psy.D.

“Frequent breakups, discussions of marriage that escalate and deescalate or otherwise abrupt or significant changes in the title or status of the relationship – and especially if these changes in status are unaccompanied by an explanation, are minimized or made light of, this may be an indication of toxic instability in a relationship that could reveal potential abusive dynamics within a relationship.”

MOVING FAST

“A more subtle sign is that the abuser will move the relationship along very quickly,” explained Dr. Holly Schiff, Psy.D., a licensed clinical psychologist.

“These relationships are often very intense, and the timeline of moving in together, engagement, marriage, and children may be quite accelerated.”

WHAT CAN YOU DO TO HELP?

According to Safe Connections, there are several things you need to do if you suspect someone you know is being abused.

To begin with, set up a private conversation. After speaking with them, tell them that your concern for their safety is real and that you want to help.

Be specific when you offer to help. Are you able to find them a safe place, give them money or store copies of important documents?

Encourage them to contact organizations that can further assist and to create an escape plan together.

Don’t forget to support them in all situations. You can help them leave abusive relationships. It is hard and sometimes they may be reluctant.

If you or someone you know is affected by any of the issues raised in this story, call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233 or chat atthehotline.org.

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