- In two years, I had two stillbirths.
- My midwife suggested that I take pills to end my lactation after my second loss.
- Instead, I donated my breast milk.
A French midwife gave me discreetly a box of medication while I was in hospital after my second stillbirth within two years.
It was a thoughtful gesture meant to avoid a daily reminder about a tragic loss. I consult my online mom network when in doubt about parenting-related issues. I was surprised to find a surprising response at the end of a lengthy thread of advice. “Why not just donate your milk?”
It made me embarrassed that I hadn’t thought it up myself.
It wasn’t my first attempt to donate breast milk
After two previous deliveries, I had already donated gallons of milk to the milk banks. This one should be no different.
It turned out that there was an lactariumin our French city, but when my partner asked about donations, they refused without explanation. Similar for people located in major cities. Although I had donated privately to the US to an adoptive couple, my research showed that this was illegal in France.
Incensed by the idea that my daughter’s milk might be defective simply because she was no longer alive — her milk being essentially the only “organ” left for me to donate — I rented a hospital-grade pump and stubbornly got to work filling my freezer with breast milk.
My donation was made possible by a stranger
In the meantime, I wrote desperate emails — one to a female French politician vocal about human milk donation, another to the Association of Lactariums of France, and finally to a European council on human milk located in nearby Switzerland.
Only the last person replied. A representative responded with compassion, saying that she was going to Lisbon, Portugal, for a conference hosted by the European Milk Bank Association. “I cannot promise anything, but I will do my best to find someone to help you.”
She was the reason I received an email from my local milk bank director asking me and my partner to meet for a discussion. We heard the story of a mother who donated her milk as her newborn was in intensive care. After the child’s death, the lactarium allowed her continued to donate, but six months later when she was asked to stop, she collapsed.
depression
.
Her decision to end her donation was like grieving for her child’s passing. The guilt they felt at seeing this mother suffer resulted in an unwritten policy that would prevent them from repeating the same situation.
It was comforting to know that my child wasn’t dead that prevented the lactarium’s milk from being accepted by her. I was determined.
I reiterated all the reasons why I wanted to donate. Pumping my milk would cause the small contractions that are necessary to bring my uterus back into pre-pregnancy health. It will also help to prevent and treat breast and reproductive cancers.
Having had my own six-week preemie, I knew well that donating this milk — especially that of a premature infant — could either help a preterm baby in need or further human-milk research. I told her that I was trying to make it easier for other mothers who have lost their baby to donate.
I assured her that the donation was not an attempt to keep my child alive. We planned to get pregnant as soon as possible.
She said that as long as I stopped smoking after six weeks, it was possible to give it another chance.
I held it up for 4 years, donated 2 gallons of my daughters milk, and was able give some meaning to my grief.