Credit: Getty<\/span><\/figcaption><\/figure>\nNot only did I now have children to care for daily, but I didn\u2019t know where anything was and I was surrounded by lots of memories from a former life.<\/p>\n
To put it frankly, it just wasn\u2019t my home and it\u2019s taken a long time for me to\u00a0feel relaxed here.<\/p>\n
When I moved in, my modest flat in Essex felt like home. I wanted to spend every day there. <\/p>\n
I found myself slotted in to everyone else\u2019s way of life. I thought we should continue to do things the way they did.<\/p>\n
It was clear that we would need to adapt and make memories with the new family.<\/p>\n
I know I\u2019m not the only step-parent to find there are difficult conversations to be had about things changing in the home.<\/p>\n
As a family, you will feel much better after having these discussions and giving everyone, including your children, a voice.<\/p>\n
You can\u2019t do these things quickly, though. <\/p>\n
At the forefront of all our decisions was (and still is) how this would make the kids feel \u2013 and this then guided us through each decision we made.<\/p>\n
It was also necessary to decide what to do about the pictures of Rebecca scattered throughout the home.<\/p>\n
The wall was a massive collection of family photos, arranged in a tree behind the stairs, which could be seen from all rooms of the home.<\/p>\n
I felt awkward. It felt like I shouldn\u2019t really be there and I was embarrassed to invite my friends over.<\/p>\n
It\u2019s such a fine balance making sure you feel comfortable in your own home while not erasing the other parent\u2019s memory.<\/p>\n
But we came up with creating a room we now call \u201cMum and Nan\u2019s room\u201d.<\/p>\n
It wasn\u2019t easy making this change and, again, we had lots of conversations.<\/p>\n
We framed the pictures and placed them in this room.<\/p>\n
We still sit in Mum and Nan\u2019s room, and we still talk about both of them.<\/p>\n
Now we\u2019re all comfortable because there\u2019s space for everyone.<\/p>\n
It sounds easy when you say it like that, but it wasn\u2019t. It was a long process.<\/p>\n
For me, it wasn\u2019t about removing Rebecca\u2019s presence from the house \u2013 it was more about creating a happy space to keep their memories alive<\/p>\n
AWKWARD QUESTIONS<\/h2>\n \u201cARE they your kids?\u201d, \u201cHow many children do you have?\u201d, \u201cAre you their mum?\u201d<\/p>\n
These dreaded “why me?” questions. I always struggled when I first got asked these and, though people probably didn\u2019t mean to upset me or make me anxious, they always did.<\/p>\n\n <\/a><\/p>\n6<\/span><\/p>\n<\/div>Kate says: ‘Although I\u2019m not their biological mum, I still call Lorenz, Tate and Tia my kids. Cree makes me a mother of four.<\/span><\/span><\/figcaption><\/figure>\nIt is not uncommon for me to be really irritated by this topic. <\/p>\n
Although I\u2019m not their biological mum, I still call Lorenz, Tate and Tia my kids. Cree makes me a mother of four. I am a mother of four.<\/p>\n
When you tell me I’m wrong, I correct you. It will cause me problems if I am treated differently by you than the others.<\/p>\n
All four children deserve to be treated the same. <\/p>\n
You may ask me if I’m their mother. If so, I say no. They are my stepchildren.<\/p>\n
Questions like this may keep popping up in public and it\u2019s inevitable that people will refer to you as the kids\u2019 mum or dad \u2013 \u201cI\u2019ve just given it to your mum\u201d, \u201cYou and your dad can come in now\u201d.<\/p>\n
This can feel awkward at times. It\u2019s kind of like the elephant in the room and it takes a lot of energy to correct people, so there may be times when you let it go.<\/p>\n
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But it\u2019s important you\u2019ve had a private chat with your partner and the kids about these potential situations and agree on what would work best as a family.<\/p>\n
You will feel better about asking the question again.<\/p>\n<\/div>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
Rio and I were both 26 years old when we met on a beach holiday. My best days were ahead of me. I was single, young and free. 6 Kate Ferdinand and husband Rio Ferdinand are expecting their second child togetherDan Kennedy: Commissioned by Fabulous 6 How To Build A Family, by Kate Ferdinand, (Vermilion, […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":37,"featured_media":158831,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[101,3],"tags":[],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"https:\/\/centralrecorder.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2023\/05\/1682885479_I-grieved-for-Rios-first-wife-even-though-I-never.jpg","_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/centralrecorder.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/158830"}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/centralrecorder.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/centralrecorder.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/centralrecorder.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/37"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/centralrecorder.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=158830"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/centralrecorder.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/158830\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":158832,"href":"https:\/\/centralrecorder.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/158830\/revisions\/158832"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/centralrecorder.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/158831"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/centralrecorder.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=158830"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/centralrecorder.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=158830"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/centralrecorder.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=158830"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}