{"id":11105,"date":"2021-09-05T18:27:12","date_gmt":"2021-09-05T12:57:12","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/centralrecorder.com\/?p=11105"},"modified":"2021-09-05T18:27:12","modified_gmt":"2021-09-05T12:57:12","slug":"the-most-effective-tips-to-communicate-with-a-defensive-individual","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/centralrecorder.com\/the-most-effective-tips-to-communicate-with-a-defensive-individual\/","title":{"rendered":"The Most Effective tips to Communicate With a Defensive Individual"},"content":{"rendered":"

Talking to someone on defence can seem difficult. Talks can quickly turn into fights and discussions into debates. It can become so tiring that you decide to avoid confrontation.<\/p>\n

You will only end up with a lumpy carpet if you throw enough junk under the floor. Some point, something’s<\/i>\u00a0to give.<\/p>\n

Luckily, learning to communicate with an overly defensive person isn\u2019t unfeasible\u2014it just takes a little practice.<\/p>\n

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Keep your intentions upfront and calmly state them<\/h2>\n

A sudden conversation can look like an attack to a defenceless person. They will be more defensive if you catch them off guard.<\/p>\n

Give them a few seconds to brace. It’s simple. \u201cHey, I want to talk to you about _____. I don\u2019t want you to feel attacked or defensive. All I want is to tell you how I feel.\u201d<\/p>\n

Continue on, \u201cI know this might be awkward, but I think it\u2019s important to discuss,\u201d Another great way to break the ice is by using humour. A serious, tense discussion is something few people like to have. Let them know you are dealing with the discomfort together and not as two opposing teams.<\/p>\n

Although you might not notice them raising their eyebrows, at least you gave a preface for the discussion. This simple step can help keep someone open to communication.<\/p>\n

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Lead with \u2018I\u2019 Statements & Avoid Hyperbole<\/h2>\n

You might be tempted to immediately get everything off the table once you start a discussion. Relationship experts recommend taking your time, even if there are a lot of grievances.<\/p>\n

\u201cGoing in with guns blazing or dumping everything you\u2019re feeling onto your partner likely won\u2019t go well,\u201d Tracy Ross, LCSW is a family therapist and couples therapist.<\/p>\n

Get down to the details. Begin by using \u201cI\u201d Statements An example of a general template is \u201cI feel ____ when ____ because I _____.\u201dOther useful \u201cI\u201d Statements can sound like: \u201cI think,\u201d \u201cI need,\u201d \u201cI want,\u201d \u201cin the future, I\u2019d like to ____.\u201d<\/p>\n

Avoid if at all possible \u201cyou\u201d Statements It is possible this<\/em>\u00a0is what you need to do. It is possible to<\/em> make me feel this way. This language alienates the other person, making them feel like they\u2019re under a microscope.<\/p>\n

It\u2019s also best to ditch any hyperbolic language like \u201calways\u201d \u201cnever.\u201d You\u2019re likely exaggerating to make a point, which happens to the best of us.<\/p>\n

Ross clarifies that however \u201cthe natural response in the other person is to find the exception, which can start them down a defensive rabbit hole.\u201d<\/p>\n

Don\u2019t Forget To Include Yourself In The Conversation<\/h2>\n

People who are defensive will be quick to shift the focus away from their own needs and towards the other person. This can be hurtful and confusing, but it\u2019s just another way for them to protect themselves.<\/p>\n

\u201cWhen you share the pain with your loved one, that bright spotlight shifts from you to them. The defensiveness is a way to shift the spotlight back onto you, instead of keeping it on what really matters,\u201d\u00a0 explained Jeninne Estes Families therapist.<\/p>\n

It might seem counterintuitive but sometimes it is the best thing to beat the defensive side to the punch. You must accept your part in the situation.<\/p>\n

Conflict in relationships always involves two people. In the heat of guilt, a defensive person may forget that. Remind them that you\u2019re there to solve the problem together.<\/p>\n

Ask Questions & Stay Curious<\/h2>\n

Or, perhaps you don’t know what made them feel. Maybe you don\u2019t realize the extent to which your actions (or inactions) caused this confrontation. Don\u2019t guess; ask.<\/p>\n

Additionally, Keep<\/em>Ask questions until they are understood suggestions for Executive Coach Bruce Roselle \u201cUsing statements like, \u2018Please tell me more about your feelings,\u2019 or \u2018Help me understand what upset you,\u2019 can begin to attenuate a defensive reaction.\u201d<\/p>\n

When the other person responds to your questions, make sure you\u2019re listening actively. It is also possible. \u201cBe sincerely curious about their response,\u201d Estes added.<\/p>\n

Don\u2019t Lose Your Temper & Know When To Walk Away<\/h2>\n

Our tendency to be defensive is an unfortunate side effect. Fighting or Flee response.\u00a0This response is only exacerbated by anger, shouting, or other expressions of emotion.<\/p>\n

Regardless of how difficult it may be, don’t lose your temper. \u201cPut down that pitchfork and stay focused on the feelings of hurt underneath it all,\u201d said Estes. Take a break if neither of you is able to calm down.<\/p>\n

\u201cSo long as you agree to come back to the conversation in, say, 20 minutes, that time alone can be just what a person needs to understand your intentions,\u201d Ross explained.<\/p>\n

You can\u2019t fight a defensive fire with more fire. It\u2019s crucial to know when it\u2019s time to table the discussion for another time.<\/p>\n

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Keep in mind where their defensiveness comes from<\/h2>\n

Lastly, and perhaps most importantly, remember where this person\u2019s defensiveness is coming from. Our own defensive natures can lead us to believe it\u2019s a result of something we<\/i>\u00a0did.<\/p>\n

But most of the time, this couldn\u2019t be further from the truth. Defensiveness, Estes explained, is \u201crarely intentional. Rather, it\u2019s a knee-jerk reaction that shields the person from guilt and self-doubt.\u201d<\/p>\n

A defensive attitude can be a result of an A tough childhood You can also call it a The traumatizing past.\u00a0It is possible for children to develop defensive responses in order to deal with difficult situations. These defensive behaviours can lead to bad habits as adults.<\/p>\n

People who grew up with Low Self-esteem are also more likely to be defensive. Confronting your shortcomings can prove fatal for those with a poor self-image.<\/p>\n

Brick walls aren\u2019t built for no reason. Sometimes, those who are most defensive are also the ones most in pain. Be patient, compassionate, calm and steady.<\/p>\n

You should eventually be able, together, to remove those walls brick-by-brick.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Talking to someone on defence can seem difficult. Talks can quickly turn into fights and discussions into debates. It can become so tiring that you decide to avoid confrontation. You will only end up with a lumpy carpet if you throw enough junk under the floor. Some point, something’s\u00a0to give. Luckily, learning to communicate with […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":37,"featured_media":11148,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[4],"tags":[],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"https:\/\/centralrecorder.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2021\/09\/s-4.jpg","_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/centralrecorder.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/11105"}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/centralrecorder.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/centralrecorder.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/centralrecorder.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/37"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/centralrecorder.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=11105"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/centralrecorder.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/11105\/revisions"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/centralrecorder.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/11148"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/centralrecorder.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=11105"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/centralrecorder.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=11105"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/centralrecorder.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=11105"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}