By now, you’ve probably heard of Gabby Petito. Early in September, the story of two young lovers on a cross country trip that went wrong took the internet by storm.
Seemingly overnight, Gabby’s blonde-haired, blue-eyed photos were all over the internet. For many of us, Gabby’s last moments were familiar enough to make our blood turn ice cold.
Because I’ve been in Gabby’s shoes, and you might have, too. At the minimum, you’ve probably known someone who has.
Why Gabby’s Story Caught Our Attention
On August 12th, police stopped Gabby Petito and Brian Laundrie after a witness reported a domestic confrontation. The driver, Laundrie was also speeding, hitting a curb and the officer following behind.
The Moab County police dashcam footage is some of the last known footage of Petito alive. It shows the couple separated. Each of them retells their story to the police.
Petito is clearly distraught. She accepts the majority of the responsibility for the altercation. “We’ve been fighting this morning,” Petito, in tears, informs the police officer.
“I was cleaning and straightening up. I was apologizing to him and saying, ‘I’m sorry that I’m so mean.’ Sometimes, I have OCD, and I can get frustrated. Not like, mean towards him. Just, my vibe is—I’m in a bad mood.”
“I just quit my job to travel across the country, and I’m trying to start a blog,” She continues. “I’ve been building my website. I’ve been really stressed and he doesn’t really believe that I could do any of it. So, we’ve just been fighting all morning. He wouldn’t let me in the car before.”
Petito’s recalling of events made me sick to my stomach. I understand the desperation that can be felt by a partner when they are willing to do anything for their loved one. I understand what it is like to be the one who takes the blame.
Yes, it takes two to make a tango. But given her grim fate, I can’t help but feel like Petito was a victim of gaslighting.
What is Gaslighting?
Gaslighting is “an elaborate and insidious technique of deception and psychological manipulation.” A single deceiver usually practices it on a single victim over an extended period.
“At its heart, gaslighting is emotional abuse,” psychotherapist Jeremy Bergen, MS, LCPC, told Brides.com. “It’s a tactic one partner uses to exert power over, gain control over, and inflict emotional damage on the other.”
Gaslighting undermines a victim’s perception of reality. They no longer know what’s real and what isn’t. Victims fall in love with the gaslighter and become mentally and emotionally dependent, thus perpetuating the vicious cycle of abuse.
We don’t know what happened behind closed doors in Petito and Laundrie’s relationship. Her situation is reminiscent of gaslighting, having seen it myself and many others.
How can you tell if someone gaslights someone else?
1. They Are Constantly Lying
Gaslighting is, in essence, a specific form of lying. Gaslighters use lies to manipulate and confuse others. Gaslighting is all about confusing the victim.
Gaslighting is a way for the victim to be confused and set up falsehoods as a precedent. Chronic lying with sprinkles of truth is textbook narcissist behavior.
You can tell lies of any size, big or small, and they can also be significant or trivial. Because to the gaslighter, it’s all about making the victim lose their ability to think for themselves.
2. They Make You Question Your Reality
Even if you catch a gaslighter in a lie, they are unlikely to admit to it. Instead, they will project, manipulate, and deny. They want you question yourself and not them.
They will lie to you, even if they have no proof. Ironically, they often claim victims are projecting. They will blame the victim for creating the conflict in the first instance if all else fails.
“When someone is manipulating you, you end up second-guessing yourself,” Dr. Robin Stern of the Yale Center for Emotional Intelligence told The Guardian. “[You turn your] attention to yourself as the person to blame.”
3. They Find Little Ways To Wear You Down
It becomes easier for victims to blame themselves after being worn down by their abuser bit by bit. Snide remarks and comments wear away at a victim’s confidence.
I couldn’t help but notice when Brian Laundrie talked about Petito’s career plans. “She’s trying to start up a “little” website, blog, and everything,” Laundrie told the police.
Paired with Petito’s comment about Laundrie not believing in her, his “little” microaggression stuck out like a sore thumb. Over time, these passive-aggressive comments can completely undermine a person’s self-image.
4. Their Actions Don’t Match Their Words
Most gaslighters are masterful smooth talkers. So, it’s important to look at their actions, not just their words.
They often make promises that they don’t keep. They might even go as far as to use their love for leverage. ‘I’m only doing this because I love you.’ Or ‘you should know I would never do that because I love you.’
If they’re not actually acting on those words, it’s—for lack of a better term—all bs.
5. They Try To Turn Others Against You
One of the most common abuser tactics is to separate the victim from their loved ones. An isolated victim is more likely to depend solely on their abuser for companionship and support.
They will attempt to do this directly or indirectly. They might convince you that your friends and family don’t care about you. Or, they’ll go behind your back to start drama themselves.
Abusers understand that the victim is more isolated, the less likely they will be to fight back.
6. They Dismiss Your Emotions
Finally, gaslighters thrive on dismissing their victims’ emotions. It’s just another form of deception.
The abuser erases the victim’s reality by telling them what the victim is feeling. In Petito’s case, Laundrie kept telling her to calm down despite her feeling “relatively calm.”
In fact, Petito claims the main confrontation—the one that the witness called in to the police—was her “trying to get him to stop telling me to calm down.”
This is emotional and mental abuse, and it’s incredibly psychologically distressing.
What To Do If You Feel Like You’re Being Gaslit
Unfortunately, Petito’s case is not unique. Tens of thousands of BIWOC go missing every year with little to no media attention.
There is a clear argument to be made about why Gabby, an all-American, white woman, was given more attention than, say, Lauren Cho. But that’s another argument for another time.
And regardless, Gabby’s case is tragic. Her death could serve a greater purpose if it saves another woman from suffering abuse or worse.
If you or someone you know is experiencing mental or emotional abuse, seek help immediately. Tragically, Gabby’s fate was sealed sometime in September. But yours doesn’t have to be.