Wedding Therapist Says ‘No’ RSVP Doesn’t Have Same Meaning Anymore

• The pandemic changed the reasons people decline wedding invitations.
• But many engaged couples are still struggling with sadness or anger when their guests RVSP “no.”
• Wedding therapist Landis Bejar encourages couples to reframe their thoughts on declined invites.

Although access to vaccines has caused a wedding boom, many people are still choosing not to attend weddings because of the pandemic.

They might feel uncomfortable attending events where others might not have been vaccinated, be immunocompromised or nervous about travel.

All reasons are valid. However, many engaged couples find themselves angry or sad when people who could attend choose not to come to their weddings.

Wedding therapist and founder of AisleTalk Landis Bejar is encouraging these couples to reframe their reaction to getting a “no” RSVP in light of the pandemic.

Insider was told by Bejar that engaged couples should have empathy for guests who are unable to attend their weddings.

But before they can, Bejar said they first need to process the initial sadness and anger they might feel, and try not to push those feelings away with thoughts like, “I shouldn’t be that mad because at least my family’s alive.”

“I don’t mean to discount having that perspective, but it can be a version of invalidating yourself or invalidating someone else,” Bejar said. “So the first thing is to just honor those emotions and know that they are valid.”

Bejar encourages clients to make space for their emotions and to learn from COVID what a declined invitation means.

“We have a framework in our mind for what it means when somebody says no to a wedding,” Bejar said. “That’s based on normal life, not pandemic trauma life.”

“When somebody says that they can’t come because they have a compromised family member at home, or they can’t come because they’re just scared as all hell to travel, we have to come to an understanding that this is not normal life,” She agreed. “It is not the same as somebody not being able to make it in the past.”

Bejar says that if couples are able to empathize with their guests about why they aren’t coming to their weddings, it can help them understand the reasons they don’t want to attend and realize that they might still be interested.

She also encourages her clients not to focus on the things they can’t control about their weddings, like who won’t attend.

“I think a lot of therapy comes down to that conversation of awareness of what we can and can’t control in a situation,” Bejar said. “And that goes back to how we make decisions about how we’re going to be safe at our weddings.”

Every couple must decide what safety precautions they will take to protect themselves from the coronavirus at their weddings. It’s unlikely that everyone who attends your wedding will be pleased with the choices you make. However, you cannot control the situation.

Bejar suggests the following mantra for couples who are struggling with anger or sadness about guests who will not be able to make it to their weddings: “I can simultaneously have empathy for that person making that decision and still feel sad or angry that they couldn’t be there.”

By taking a more nuanced approach to what it means when someone regretfully declines an invite to their wedding, engaged couples can be more at peace on their wedding days.