- My husband and me were living in Los Angeles at the time that our son was born.
- I was a first time mom living in a big city away from my family. It was hard for me to cope.
- We moved to Kentucky in 2018 My parents were close by me in a small community. That was all I needed.
I couldn’t take it anymore. I couldn’t pretend that I was happy. My weekly ritual of hiding in the bathroom to cry was now a daily routine. But I wouldn’t tell my husband, nor show my 4-year old. I was at breaking point and had two choices: Move us all back to our hometown or stay safe in this bathroom forever.
Combining big-city living, motherhood and being far from my family kept pulling at my heart. I was emotional overloaded and couldn’t find the right way to feel grounded again. I thought maybe moving back home would be the answer to all my problems.
I was not the greatest at concealing the truth. To keep my gifts secret, it takes all of my willpower. I had been trying to hide this from my husband and my son, as it would have meant a cross-country move between Los Angeles and Louisville. My family was going to be affected by my move and I wasn’t sure if they would accept such a drastic change. So I tried to forget my feelings and hoped they would go away.
We moved back to Kentucky in July 2018. I was able to provide for my family in a smaller and more close-knit community.
Los Angeles was a place I wanted to be happy.
I tried to recall what it was that excited me about Los Angeles. It felt like I was on a vacation the moment I arrived. I was inspired by the city’s warm weather, ocean proximity, and the unique events like Colin Firth smiling at my face.
My future husband was born shortly after I moved to Los Angeles. We began our journey together. Although I was eager to be in love with L.A. forever after having my son, it became a short-lived affair.
As I carried my 2-week old baby, I walked my parents up to the front door. My arms were too full from baby to hug, so I thanked my parents for their support. They hadn’t been in my life for nearly 20 years so it was difficult to say goodbye. But this was a different story. I was panicked at their departure.
I wanted to go with my family to Kentucky to enjoy the tranquil bluegrass.
I was a first-time mother and their company helped me to relax. From feeding my baby to clipping her nails, I was anxious. My mom noticed that I was nervous to burp my baby and whispered her concern. “You’ve got this.”I believed her. My parents’ support was a comforting presence in a world that felt completely lost.
Being a mom was a challenge. I needed to be close my parents.
I was sure I’d be able to settle into my mom role. But, parenting was changing constantly and I continued to feel stressed. I longed to be surrounded by my parents and L.A. would soothe me.
Three hours spent in traffic just to purchase milk put me on edge. My distress was exacerbated by the increasingly dangerous fire season. I was constantly overwhelmed by the stress of caring for my baby and the anxiety of living in big cities. Although I had always longed to escape L.A. I didn’t think my husband would be so open to the idea.
“Honey, can we talk about moving to Kentucky?”I was nervous.
My request was suspended in the air above our kitchen island and I could feel my husband think I was crazy. He understood that I wasn’t, and listened to me explain how I had been crying in the bathroom. I listed the advantages of a simpler life and more grandparents for my son and me.
Moving back home to be close to family provided me with the support I needed. The overwhelming feelings I held didn’t travel with us and this allowed me to be more present for my children.
Our family has been living in Kentucky for three year. I find the slower pace and smaller communities to be more grounded. Even more inspiring than Colin Firth’s smile at me is the way my son has developed a close relationship to his grandparents. It’s amazing how much time you spend with your family and outside the car makes a difference.