Real-Life Mothers That Left Their Children Behind

• In “The Lost Daughter,”A burned-out mom leaves her children and does not return for three years.
• Real-life females who made the same decision cited abusive marriages as well as stalled careers to be their reasons.
• Experts claim that moms often feel shame and guilt when they leave their children.

Mothers should be warm, selfless, and content. This isn’t always possible and doesn’t always come easy.

The new

Netflix

Film “The Lost Daughter”Takes a raw and honest look at motherhood’s complexities. Leda (Jessie Buckley), overwhelmed and unable focus on her career, makes the difficult decision to abandon her children and husband for three consecutive years. A younger version of Leda (Olivia Colman), who has been judged and punished by others and herself, pays a heavy price for leaving her children.

It’s taboo to have two standards in a world that views fathers who leave as normal and mothers who do so are deplorable.

Insider spoke to three mothers who had to leave their families to better understand why. Some left for several weeks while others stayed for many years.

Their experiences — spousal abuse, floundering careers, and years of grinding childcare without a break — highlight the immense pressures on women who become parents.

“Moms are being tasked with such monumental and unrealistic expectations,” Hilary BergerA licensed professional counselor, who founded Do it like a mother. “Men are not expected to shoulder all of the psychological, educational, domestic, and enrichment management of the children in the same way that mothers are. And so women get burnt out.”

“I would have ended in a mental hospital.”

Danèlle Lejeune’s children were ages 4, 6, and 10 when she left to attend a six-week poetry residency in Prague followed by a two-week visit to Savannah, Georgia.

Except for two brief trips in the preceding year, “it was the first time I had been away from my children, except to have more children,”Lejeune also homeschooled her children at that time, she said. “For 10 years, I hadn’t been away from them for even an hour, except when I was having C-sections to have the others.”

Her spouse did not support her decision to leave — in fact, he told their children she was never coming home. “I called them every day, but they would beg and beg me to come home,”She said.

It was as painful as being away from her children. “it healed me in ways that I can’t even begin to explain,” Lejeune said. Insider heard from her that her time away provided her with the clarity and insight she needed to divorce an abusive marriage.

“I learned that my children did not need me as much as I believed they did,”Lejeune now has full custody of her children. When she is away for a few days, Lejeune regularly hires babysitters.

“If I hadn’t gone on the residency, I would have ended up in a mental institution,” Lejeune said. “It was truly the best thing I could have done, even if it was traumatic to my children.”

“I was teaching my kids wrong things about love & marriage,” said a mother.

Lisamarie Monaco did not seem to be doing much during her last years of marriage. Her soon-to-be-ex-husband wouldn’t move out, and the situation had become “toxic on many levels.”

“I coped the best I could, thinking this was just the way life is,”She said. “My last straw was that I didn’t want my kids to watch this anymore. It was teaching them all the wrong things about love and marriage.”

So, she moved half a block away from her kids and made daily visits to their father to cook, clean and do laundry. Her visits slowed down to weekends eventually. After three years, when her children were in their late teens, she moved out of state to be with her new fiancé.

“I lost family and friends along the way,”Monaco, “Even though I did not just up, leave, and abandon, in the eyes of society and my family, I did. From time to time, still to this day, I feel pain in my heart for any hurt I caused my kids.”

She stated that her youngest children were more accepting of her choices as they grew up, but that her oldest child (who had left the nest at age 7) still didn’t speak to her.

“The stigma of a mom leaving is greater than if a dad leaves,”Monaco, “A dad leaving is the norm, but when a mom does, in the eyes of society it’s as if you killed a living thing.”

“I felt so close by death by suffocation that it was almost impossible to breathe”

Insider heard from one mother that her decision to leave was due to a family emergency. After taking a job offer in Vienna, her husband left her to take care of their daughters aged 3 and 8. The older needed to stay in the US for her surgery. He had moved unexpectedly to Sarajevo, Bosnia-Herzegovina’s capital, before her daughter was fully recovered.

In an effort to keep her family close, the mother made the decision to move with her two daughters to avoid becoming isolated in a new city. She had only enough credit to cover one flight when she was forced to fly back to the US due to a sudden medical crisis. She left her girls with their father.

“I couldn’t take them with me, and I was utterly burned out by them,”The woman spoke out because her ex-husband was physically abusive. “I was unable to meet the standard of what I believed at the time a mother needed to be, and I had no one to admit this to — not to mention the shame of ‘failing’ at being a mom.”

Her husband then told their daughters that their mother had died. “chase the American dream.”However, she did not speak out for herself in these circumstances and she also didn’t tell anyone about her return to California. “other than the few people I asked for help.”

“There was a guilty relief in being able to be sick and weak without having to be anything for my children — but also a terrifying feeling of being untethered,”She said. “Was I being selfish for trying to take care of me? Should I have stayed with him? Was being invisible really that bad?”

Six months later, her husband had returned her children to her and said that he loved her. “children need their mother.”The abuse in her marriage was gone, but it was difficult to manage the demands of being a single parent and running a household while trying to pursue a career.

“I was resentful of how little my ex had done and how he was able to disappear for months on end to build his by-then successful career,”She said. “I felt so close to death by suffocation that I left everything, and started my life over completely from scratch.”

Her oldest daughter, now 16, asked for her father’s permission to live with her. She didn’t want her daughters to be separated, so she forced them to live together. She dismantled her house as soon as her daughters left and began to write full-time, something she couldn’t do as a single mother.

“Both of my sisters confronted me, said I was the worst mother they had ever seen, and refused to talk to me for a few years,”She said. “There was absolutely guilt, but I think a lot of that was due to what I thought a mother needed to be and what I was not living up to.”

Mothers are pushed to breaking point by society

Dr. Elisabeth NethertonA psychiatrist who serves as the regional medical director Mindpath HealthIt is obvious how unsupportive the US society treats working mothers, according to a spokesman. “We systematically deprive women of supports, such as paid leave and affordable childcare, that would ease the burden,”She spoke to Insider.

Brandy PorcheMindpath Health’s licensed counselor, Lisa, believes that women should be nurturers, even if it means sacrificing their well-being.

“We are expected to go above and beyond for those we love, and especially for our kids,”Porche. “In addition to that, we are supposed to enjoy putting ourselves last.”

The pandemic has only added to these pressures. Porche stated that when children had to stay at home, women were expected not only to be mothers but also to become playmates and teachers.

“The burnout factor because of COVID is so prevalent now that women sometimes feel that their kids would be better off without them,”Berger, Work Like a Mother. “That is not good.”

Insider spoke to three mothers about their unsupportive male husbands as the main reason for their burnout. It’s quite common, says Netherton of Mindpath Health.

“Mothers carry a disproportionate and often overwhelming burden of household responsibilities,”She pointed out. “Mothers in heterosexual relationships are more common than fathers,” she noted. Doing more each day to care for our children and the home“, and this is often in addition to working full-time.

Netherton encourages her mothers to advocate for themselves when they need it, and works through any guilt. “It is critical that partners don’t dismiss the need for assistance and that they recognize and validate the need for mothers to have time to themselves, away from the children, for sleep, exercise and self-care.”

How can moms who are in need of a more severe break reduce trauma for their children?

It is clear that the last two years have been a terrible time for parents’ mental health, particularly mothers. Leah Rockwell, a licensed professional counsellor at the University of Texas, stated. Rockwell WellnessMaryland motherhood is the speciality.

She suggested that parents should consider a break if they feel like their child is being abusive or harsh. It’s not a good idea to leave a child.

“Emotional breaks, such as engaging in weekly therapy, parent-support groups, or online forums with other moms with similar struggles can be excellent ways to develop better emotional management and awareness,”Rockwell said.

Rockwell stated that if a longer break is needed, communication is crucial. This will ensure that the child doesn’t feel abandoned or neglected by their parent’s absence. Rockwell said that children need predictability. She suggests that they stay with a trusted friend or family member if it is possible.

Porche of Mindpath health recommended that parents tell their children they love them, and that a break is not permanent or punitive. “Mom needs to explain that she is exhausted,”Porche said “and taking the break to restore her strength so that she can return and be at her best when providing for them.”

A supportive family can help reinforce this dialogue by reassuring children that their mother loves them back and that she will return. Even if the parent is not home, occasional FaceTimes and calls can help children remember their parents’ affection.

“With these positive reinforcements in place,”Porche said “the child doesn’t internalize or question the reasoning for Mom’s absence.”