- When the pandemic started, it was a joke between my husband and myself. Now, it is our safe phrase.
- After having our first child, I started to feel intrusive.
- Those words instantly signaled to my husband that I needed assistance.
When COVID-19 closed borders and made my husband and me work remotely in March 2020, I lamented it. “life was meaningless.”After having a miscarriage in October I laid down in the arms of my husband and repeated it until I finally fell asleep. Watching the Capitol insurrection earlier in the year, we both looked at one another and repeated it, feeling a whole new sense of anxiety, dismay, and confusion.
The phrase “life is meaningless” started as a joke, but it’s now become our safe phrase — a way to cue the other person when one of us isn’t doing well and needs support. It has become our most important communication asset, similar to how the reversible octopusA plush toy you can flip depending upon how you feel is the latest TikTok trend among young couples.
What started out as a silly gesture turned into a lifesaving action.
Something went wrong after the birth of our baby.
Our “After the birth”Rainbow baby“A few weeks ago, our doctor warned us of the possibility that we might experience postpartum Depression. “Crying is normal, but you know your wife best,”She said it to my husband. “You’ll know if she’s experiencing anything out of the ordinary.”
My husband was able to tell that something was not right with me after I returned from the hospital. It wasn’t due to all my crying. My husband and I realized that I wasn’t experiencing the typical baby blues. It was not due to excessive crying. It was due to our safe phrase.
My husband was sitting on the toilet floor with my hands in mine, while I was sitting on the edge. I was still unable to communicate to him the intrusive thoughts that were racing through my mind, the constant worry about our baby’s wellbeing, the inability to see a bright future and the difficulty in recognizing my altered face and body in the mirror.
Instead, I said: “Life is meaningless.”
After a few seconds, he said: “We’ll call the doctor tomorrow.”
I was officially diagnosed postpartum
depression
by my doctor the following day.
These 3 words were all I needed to say
My husband and I have had many long-winded conversations over the years — arguments that led to compromises about what holiday to spend with which family, or when and how much money to invest in a house project. But that moment on the floor of the bathroom was the best. I felt heard and supported.
In three words, I was able say all I wanted him to understand and hear. These three words were the catalyst for a solution-based approach.
As a married couple, you’re advised to never go to bed angry — a warning I’ve sometimes ignored. It wasn’t because I didn’t want my husband to see things from his perspective or to come to an amicable agreement. After hours of searching for the perfect city parking spot, I became too tired and emotional to think clearly after all that.
This combination of mental exhaustion, emotional fatigue, and overwhelming mental overwhelm is what makes it so difficult to have back-and forth exchanges during panic attacks. An estimated 2.6 billion people worldwide suffer from panic attacks. Anxiety disorderSometimes, for many people, it is difficult to breathe. It’s possible to replace nights of panic with days of support and understanding if couples can agree on a phrase or word that will be safe for their partner when they are about to spiral into anxiety.