Lesbians and Queer Women Speak Out: TikTok Made them Gay

Lesbians and Queer Women Speak Out: TikTok Made them Gay

  • TikTok can feel like it is reading your mind with its algorithm.
  • Four women who had previously only dated men told TikTok that TikTok helped them to realize they were queer.
  • They mentioned warm videos of lesbian relationships, open discussion, and warm videos. “compulsory heterosexuality.”

Alayna Fender was browsing through TikTok from her couch when she began to sob. Her ex-fiancé and partner of 10 years had moved out two weeks earlier, but Fender wasn’t crying because she missed him.

Fender was moved to tears instead by a TikTok video featuring two lesbians in love.

“I thought, ‘Oh, I wish that could be me, but it’s not my life. I made my choice.’ Then I paused and realized, ‘Wait a minute. That could be my life now,'”Insider was informed by Fender.

Fender identified as bisexual six years prior to joining TikTok 2019 Fender said that she suppressed her feelings for women and only dated men.

As the app’s algorithm showed her video after video of feminine-presenting lesbians — women who looked like her, but who rarely appear in traditional media — she was filled with emotion.

“Every time I went on TikTok, I was faced with these feelings,”Fender said. “I was faced with these other people who were living a life that I wished I could be living.”She came out as a lesbian.

Fender was one of four women who shared with Insider their experience with TikTok’s algorithm. All of them had been identified as straight previously, or had had heterosexual relationships.

The women said they joined TikTok to escape pandemic boredom or despair, only to find themselves drawn to videos of women kissing, dancing sexily in thirst traps, or discussing compulsory heterosexuality — the idea that women are socialized to assume they must like and be in relationships with men.

Their website is www.stackoverflow.com “For You”The pages were filled with queer content and the women started to question how many years they had spent only pursuing men’s relationships. Three lesbians have been outed, one queer. They all said that their time on the app was a life-changing experience. It allowed them to discover an alternative to popular culture. Rarely does a woman show love for another woman romantically.

“When they threw a queer TikTok at me, it stuck, and now I’m dating women and seeing all these amazing women-loving-women couples on my feed,”Natalie Kelley is a 25-year old content creator who spoke to Insider. “It feels really validating and really cool to have that in my life.”

TikTok’s algorithm quickly led women to queer content

Vanessa Williamson, 49, had been out of the dating scene since 2017. Before that, she only dated men on occasion and for a short time. If the relationship did not last, it would end.

Williamson’s sister suggested that Williamson join TikTok for 2020. Williamson began to scroll through the app and saw many adorable videos of dogs and cats. Williamson began to see videos with political views that she didn’t like so she continued scrolling. Williamson stopped scrolling when she saw a number of videos featuring beautiful women with short hair or discussing signs that a viewer might have been gay. Williamson noticed similar videos in her feed.

“After you see five or six of those, you start to think to yourself, ‘I keep seeing me,'”Williamson stated.

TikTok has an algorithm that encourages people to join niche communities. According to a New York Times ReportTikTok engineers devised an equation to evaluate each click and like and how long they spend watching a video. As it collects more of these data, the algorithm feeds viewers more videos that are similar to those that have caught their eye. It can sometimes be confusing to users. TikTok makes it seem like they are reading their deepest thoughts.

Insider spoke to three other women who shared similar experiences with Williamson. Initially, the TikTok FYPs would send them dances from some top platform users, such as Addison Rae. After a few more weeks, the users were finally able to enjoy their favorite dances on TikTok FYPs. “straight”Videos were replaced by more frequent videos of queer woman.

Kelley assumed that the rise in queer content was an indication she was a great LGBTQ ally.

However, when she couldn’t stop watching TikToks of strikingly beautiful women, she confessed that she was now confused about her sexuality.

TikTok has lifted the veil on ‘compulsory homosexuality’ for some women

Kelley claimed that she had not been exposed to gay relationships before joining TikTok. Everything clicked for Kelley when she saw a TikTok clip that explained heterosexuality. a viral Google documentMore information on the subject.

“Women are taught from a very early age that making men happy is our job,”Anjeli Luz, the document’s author, wrote. “We’re supposed to be pretty for men, we’re supposed to change the way we talk so men will take us more seriously, we’re supposed to want a man’s love more than anything else … When you’re trained from childhood to see romantic/sexual relationships with men — and only men — as major life goals, how do you separate that from what you want?”

“Once I started hearing terms like that, it kind of gave me this window to crawl through,”Kelley stated. “I was like, ‘Oh, this is an experience other people have had, and I’m allowed to embody this experience.'”

Kelley was first to read the document in mid 2020. However, she didn’t feel empowered until she moved to Portland Oregon in order to discuss her feelings with friends and therapists.

Williamson shared a similar story. Williamson said she dated men because she was curious, as were all her peers.

“I was like, ‘What’s the big deal here?'”Williamson stated. “I did have feelings and urges, they just didn’t include a man.”She spoke the word “lesbian”It wasn’t something she knew, so she didn’t even consider becoming one.

Compulsory heterosexuality “creates an obligation to go with the status quo,”Luna Matatas, pleasure educator and founder of Peg The Patriarchy, Cosmopolitan –. “It might prevent someone from exploring their sexuality and gender or honoring what they know to be true about their sexual orientation.”

While More Americans identify as queer than ever beforeHomophobia is still a problem. Ashley Matheson, TikTok’s creator, now identifies her self as a queer women. She was raised in a Catholic parish where she said she learned to hate gay people. After seeing TikTok videos featuring women showing romance toward other women, she realized she could do that too.

Matheson stated that some users will find her queer content after she came out and try to convince Matheson she is wrong about her sexuality.

“Being on straight TikTok has made it very hard to be a part of the gay community, because I do get my comments filled with men saying what they think,”Matheson stated. “They used to always comment and say I couldn’t be gay because I was previously in a heterosexual relationship. That’s super invalidating.”

Coming out because of an app is hard — but the feeling of freedom is worth it

Williamson was exposed as a lesbian by her sister and mother three months after downloading TikTok. She said she felt empowered to buy the clothes she actually enjoys wearing – hoodies, flannels, and hats – after seeing other women do the same on TikTok.

During the pandemic she also dated for a few more months a woman.

“It was actually exciting. I discovered that I like being nurturing and caring and taking care of someone,”Williamson stated.

All the women stated that their family and close friends were supportive of them when they came out. However, being exposed to a pandemic caused feelings of loneliness and isolation.

Fender had to share her news of her engagement with her family via FaceTime. Fender said that while her online community was helpful, it could not replace a real hug.

Williamson was able attend one event in person with other lesbians. This gave her a taste for community. However, Williamson was recently diagnosed with cancer and is unable to attend social events due to her immunocompromised status.

For Fender, the most brutal part of her coming-out experience was hurting someone she loved — her ex-fiancé. Fender said that it is difficult to regret the freedom she enjoys.

“If you would’ve told me two or three years ago that this would be my life, I would’ve laughed in your face and then probably cried myself to sleep,”She said. “I wanted it so bad.”

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