Are these phrases familiar to you? “If I do that, I’m just going to mess it up,” “Babe, you’re so much better at it than me,”Perhaps even “You’re never happy with the way I do it, so why don’t you do it?”
You might be a victim to weaponized incompetence (WI) if so. This is a fancy term for an old concept. Some refer to it as pulling a Tom Sawyer. I prefer the term “lazy, childish nonsense.”
Unfortunately, WI is subtle and can be difficult to spot, especially if you’ve been putting up with it for a long time. While anyone can fall victim to WI, it’s alarmingly common in male-female partnerships. In fact, there’s a good chance you might be dealing with it right now.
What is Weaponized Incompetence?
Jared Sandberg This term was invented by the author “weaponized incompetence”In 2007. This “ritualistic charade…isn’t about having a strategy that fails, but a failure that succeeds,”Sandberg wrote the Wall Street Journal.
Someone using WI might argue that they’d never be able to do a task correctly, so they simply won’t learn how. They’ll then try to convince you not to expect anything from them.
To be clear, WI isn’t the same as truly not knowing how to do a task. There is no one who was born knowing everything. “To learn something… can be difficult,”Sandberg explained. “But to refrain from learning something requires years of practice and refinement.”
Incompetence that is weaponized can occur in any setting: personal, professional, or familial. The concept was first introduced by Sandberg in the WSJThere was also a strong emphasis on the workplace.
However, it is all too common for romantic relationships to use this tactic.
Sing it with a song
There’s a lot of grey area when it comes toIncompetence can be weaponized. Every dynamic is different so blanket terms can prove problematic. Artimus Wolz did a great job putting it all together in song.
“Girlfriend gave me chores, but I don’t wanna do them,”He sang over a dance beat. “Gotta be a way I can get right through them. ‘Bout to try a brand new form of a gaslight. Gonna make her do ‘em, but first I gotta ask right.”
He then sang the hook that makes all women shiver: “Listen, babe, if I do it, I’m-a mess it up.”Wolz held a dirty scrubbing pad to a glass of water and asked for permission. “is this the way that you wash a cup?”
Wolz’s song is satirical but painfully accurate. “You’re joking, but I legitimately worked with a man who washed the coffee urn with a toilet brush,”One user commented.
“When the Venn diagram between gaslighting, weaponized incompetence, and narcissism is a perfect circle,”Another user was added. The user was added to the TikTok’s weaponized incompetence hashtagThis indicates that there is a LotsThere are a lot of deadweights out there. If you feel like getting depressed, angry–or a fun mix of both–just scroll through that WI thread for a while.
From lazi dads to chronic slobs
There are thousands upon thousands of videos featuring women. “joking”Their incompetent husbands. Is this a joke? That funny?
Women have shared glimpses into the future in this WI thread. messy kitchenTheir husband “forgot”To clean. They Recollected trips to storeWhere their man called, frantic and demanding that they return home to care for the children. Who is this laughing at?
The result is unsurprising. “jokes”From the men are worse. Just This video is your guideFor example, in the case of “joke” is that his wife won’t have sex with him despite his best efforts. These efforts are, of course, dishes and childcare.
Men are not incapable. They aren’t hardwired to be bad at cleaning. They are not predisposed to being lazy. Why is WI so common?
Overvalue and Undervalue
TikTok user Laura Danger suggested it’s a societal issue. “Society has told us to value money and work,”She explained. “We function under capitalism. We also function under patriarchy.”
“A patriarchy overvalues masculine tasks and undervalues care tasks. Our society does not value the work that goes into managing a domestic situation,”She went on.
From the 1950s, women are a far cry from their 50s counterparts. We have more autonomy and agency, relative speaking. Before the pandemic, The majority of the population.Of the workforce.
Despite this new agency, women still have to take care of domestic duties. WI capitalizes on these expectations.
What To Do If You’re Experiencing Weaponized Incompetence
WI is a manipulative tactic. Still, not everyone who uses WI realizes what they’re doing. So, it’s crucial that YouKnow how to recognize and stop it
“One way to stop a man doing this is to remind him women don’t have sexual feelings towards anyone they view as a child,” one user wrote under Wolz’s parody song.
In a follow-up videoWolz dances below a screengrab with another comment. “My husband tried to pass off a chore to me because ‘you know I get water all over the floor though.’ I remembered your song, and I said, ‘so practice,’”The comment was read.
Another possible solution? “Match his energy,” Danger said. “Do a s****y job back. If you thought, ‘if I matched his energy, the kids would suffer,’ your kids ARE suffering. Leave him.”
This is a topic worth discussing, but it’s not the only one. These family roles are deeply ingrained within our society. Your man might not even realize what he’s doing.
But if you bring it to his attention and he refuses to stop, don’t forget that constant manipulation is emotional abuse. It’s not just about dirty dishes; it’s about being a good partner.
If he’s still unwilling to provide that bare minimum, then we suggest sticking with Laura Danger’s advice: leave him.