By Michael Walsh

Perhaps more surprising than the fact that Robert Rodriguez, working backwards, turned a trailer into a feature length niche genre film is that the said Mexploitation film is actually about something. Rodriguez’s violent Machete, born out of a fake trailer the filmmaker created for his and Quentin Tarantino’s collaborative Grindhouse project, is more than just the limb-decapitating movie the trailer makes it out to be. With small nuances of timely social commentary, Machete is a film that speaks volumes in body parts.

Machete centers around the titular character and ex-Federale agent Machete (Danny Trejo), who after being betrayed by the organization that hired him to assassinate a political figure sets out on a murderous path of revenge against those that crossed him.

At its most basic roots, Machete is a film that pays great and knowledgeable tribute to the exploitation genre of the grindhouse theater era. It does an even better job at doing this than Rodriguez’s terrific but slightly overproduced Planet Terror half of Grindhouse. Rodriguez shows a clear and concise understanding of the genre he is paying homage to, something recent box office champion Sylvester Stallone seemed unable to do with The Expendables and 1980’s action films.

Machete also offers more than just ferocious killing, perfect lines of B-movie dialogue and fine looking women. The film that feels more retro than anything in theaters as of late is actually more timely than ever. With the film’s main conflict centering around illegal immigration and the debate over border control in Texas, writer, director and native Texan Rodriguez is able to say a few things of worth, despite the film not taking itself seriously for one minute. It’s this minor attention to having some substance that leaves Machete feeling more fulfilling than one without. The more specific Mexploitation genre, a subset of the exploitation genre consisting of films dealing with Mexico, historically has dealt with real life issues of cartels, drug trafficking and other crime-related issues plaguing the Mexican countryside, making Rodriguez’s homage to the genre even more befitting of the times.

But Rodriguez’s light dash of social commentary is merely a backdrop for Machete’s meat and potatoes of kill, kill again and kill some more. Trejo does his best Charles Bronson Death Wish impersonation as a sort of vigilante on the move, seeking out to kill criminal scum, which in this case are unforgiving border vigilante groups, a high exaggeration of America’s current state at the border, and the typical exploitation lineup of dopey killers and awesomely skilled hitmen. And boy does Machete kill. No limbs are safe here, as Machete often gives obvious preference to sharp items perfect for piercing and cutting flesh rather than the cleaner to operate gun. The film’s action is ruthless and dares its weakest viewers to turn away from the screen with head decapitations abound.

One thing untypical of a film of this kind is the fact that Rodriguez was able to work with what you might consider an all-star cast of both celebrated mainstream stars, genre stars and those who just didn’t quite make the big time. Trejo aside, the film’s bizarrely crafted cast features huge names such as Steven Seagal doing his best to come off as a Mexican drug lord, Jessica Alba as an immigrations officer and Robert De Niro in a sort of late career revival role as a campaigning senator. The list of names doesn’t stop there, with cult figures such as acclaimed special effects artist Tom Savini, Miami Vice’s Crockett himself, Don Johnson, stoner-friendly comedian Cheech Marin, tough girl Michelle Rodriguez and Lindsay Lohan thrown into the mix. This strange and out there cast of characters works surprisingly well though,, as Rodriguez knows what to do with each of them, leading to many memorable cartoon-like characters, and in my opinion trounces the overrated ensemble cast of The Expendables.

It’s important to realize the difference between a spoof or parody and a homage, because Rodriguez’s film is certainly the latter. While the film is surely tongue-in-cheek, self-aware of its own ridiculous existence and conscious of what it is, it never pokes fun at the genre. Instead, it’s a serious entry into an often depraved and unrelenting genre that does just as it says it does – exploits. Rodriguez hits every sweet spot from the campy atmosphere right on down to the humorous dialogue. And you can call out those sweet spots: the herb-friendly Marin plays a priest and Lohan finds herself donning nun’s attire, just to name a few of the film’s obvious character-related gags.

It’s strange that time and time again filmmakers will often return to a vintage yet refreshing style of making genre films and show that just because we as a society might be progressing technically, it doesn’t mean we are creatively. In fact, perhaps with all that fantastic and reliable technology going to our stubborn and money-filled heads, we forget what it’s like to sit down and enjoy a film like Machete. Rodriguez and company are doing a good service in helping us remember.

9.9
30 Seconds to Mars
@ Webster Theatre
Hartford, CT
$25 / 6 pm

Caspian
@ Lilly’s Pad (Toad’s Place)
New Haven, CT
$8 / 8 pm

9.10
Disco Biscuits / RJD2
@ Mountain Park
Holyoke, MA
$27.50 / 6 pm

Despised Icon / Misery Index
@ Waterfront Tavern
Holyoke, MA
$15 / 6:30 pm

9.12
Collie Buddz
@ Toad’s Place
New Haven, CT
$25 / 9 pm

9.14
Defiance, Ohio
@ Toad’s Place
New Haven, CT
$8 / 7:30 pm

9.16
Nachtmystium
@ Webster Theatre
Hartford, CT
$12 / 7 pm

MOVIES

9.9 – 9.11
Coco Chanel & Igor Stravinsky
@ Cinestudio, Trinity College
Hartford, CT
$7 / 7:30 pm

“When Coco Chanel attends the Ballet Russe’s 1913 premiere of The Rite of Spring, she thrills to the riot-provoking choreography of Vaslav Nijinsky – and the revolutionary music of Igor Stravinsky. Seven years later, Sergei Diaghilev introduces the convention-breaking designer to Stravinsky, who is struggling to survive in Paris with his children and ailing wife. Chanel invites the family to stay at her country home, where an instant erotic attraction brings together the two artists. As opposed to Audrey Tautou’s young and inexperienced portrayal in Coco Before Chanel, Mouglalis plays one of the 20th century’s most accomplished women at her creative – and passionate – prime. ‘two hours of luxury and loveliness, music and art, and a bit of sexually charged madness, too.’ – Stephen Rea, Philadelphia Inquirer.”

9.10
The Front Page
@ Torp Theatre, CCSU
FREE / 2 pm

“This first of four film versions of the Ben Hecht/Charlrd MacArthur Broadway hit starsAdolphe Menjou as explosive Chicago newspaper-editor Walter Burns and Pat O’Brien as his star reporter Hildy Johnson. Hildy is on the verge of getting married and retiring from Burns’ dirty little tabloid, but he agrees to cover one last story: the politically motivated execution of convicted cop killer Earl Williams (George E. Stone). Thanks to the stupidity of the police, Williams manages to escape, and Johnson hides the wounded fugitive in a rolltop desk in the prison pressroom. Burns enters the scene, senses a swell story (and also a means of keeping Johnson on his payroll), and conspires with Johnson to keep Williams out of sight until they can secure an exclusive interview. Burns will do anything to keep Johnson on the scene, including having the reporter’s future mother-in-law kidnapped. Complicating matters are Johnson’s fiancée Peggy (Mary Brian), Williams’ girlfriend Molly Malloy (Mae Clarke), and the corrupt mayor (James Gordon) and sheriff (Clarence C. Wilson), who have railroaded Williams to the death house in order to win votes and are now trying to suppress the news that the governor has commuted Williams’ sentence. The Front Page was remade by Howard Hawks in 1939 as His Girl Friday, with the symbiotic relationship between Burns and Johnson changed to a sexual one by transforming Hildy Johnson into a woman (played by Rosalind Russell) with Cary Grant as her old flame Walter. It was again remade by Billy Wilder in 1974 with Jack Lemmon, Walter Matthau, Carol Burnett, and a young Susan Sarandon.” – Hal Erickson, All Movie Guide

Barbarella
@ Bow Tie Criterion Cinema
New Haven, CT
$5 / 11:30 pm

A voluptuous outer space agent travels to another galaxy in search of a missing inventor in this science fiction send-up. Barbarella (Jane Fonda), an interstellar representative of the united Earth government in the 41st century, is dispatched to locate scientist Durand Durand, whose positronic ray, if not recovered, could signal the end of humanity. Outfitted in an array of stunning Star Trek/Bond girl outfits and cruising around in a plush, psychedelic spaceship, Barbarella travels to the Tau Seti system and promptly crash-lands. She then spends the rest of the film discovering the joys of interstellar sex with a keeper of feral children (Ugo Tognazzi), a blind, beatific angel (John Phillip Law), and an inept revolutionary named Dildano (David Hemmings). Slowly but surely, she also finds her way to Durand Durand by moving from one exotic, Wizard of Oz-style locale to another. Along the way, she meets the kindly Professor Ping (a surprisingly verbal Marcel Marceau), a Eurotrash dominatrix named the Great Tyrant (Rolling Stones gal pal Anita Pallenberg), and the Concierge (Milo O’Shea), a strangely familiar lackey of the Great Tyrant who tries to destroy Barbarella with his great big organ of love. Jean-Claude Forest, who created the character Barbarella in 1962 for ~V-Magazine, served as visual advisor on the adaptation. The film’s missing scientist character famously inspired the band name of ’80s pop stars Duran Duran (who altered the spelling slightly). Almost two decades later, the film also inspired electronic act Matmos, which was named after the aqueous personification of evil unleashed by the Concierge at the movie’s climax. – Brian J. Dillard, All Movie Guide

9.12 – 9.15
The Secret in their Eyes
@ Cinestudio, Trinity College
Hartford, CT
$7 / 7:30 pm

“The winner of the Academy Award for Best Foreign Film – and the biggest box office hit in Argentina in 35 years – is one of the first films to take on the abuses of power leading up to the coup d’etat that overthrew Isabel Peron. It begins in the present day, when a melancholy court investigator (Ricardo Darin) and his boss, an aristocratic judge (Soledad Villamil) become obsessed with the hushed-up murder of a young woman in the mid-1970s. The judge’s alcoholic assistant – played by comedian Guillermo Francella – is a witness to their search for the truth, and to their twisting path towards love. ‘Every time a government tries to control the people, violating the law, they play the fear card – and people submit to it.’ – director Juan Jose Campanella.”

9.13
Get Him to the Greek
@ Semesters, CCSU
FREE / 7 pm

“An ambitious young record company executive attempts to transport an unpredictable rock star to L.A.’s Greek Theatre in time for his hotly anticipated comeback performance in this spin-off of the comedy hit Forgetting Sarah Marshall. Aaron Green (Jonah Hill) has just landed his dream job in the record industry, and he’s eager to prove his worth. His first assignment: travel to London and escort British rock god Aldous Snow (Russell Brand) to the show that will re-ignite his career. Before he departs, Aaron is warned by his boss Sergio Roma (Sean Combs) to never let Aldous out of his sight, and never underestimate his capacity for mayhem. Immensely talented yet deeply tortured, Aldous hit the bottle hard after his popularity began to wane and his girl walked out on him. Aldous is locked in the midst of an existential crisis, and rues the thought of being accompanied across the pond by an insincere sycophant. Though it seems like sex is the only thing Aldous ever thinks about, his thoughts turn to romance when he discovers that gorgeous model/pop singer Jackie Q (Rose Byrne) will be in Los Angeles at the time of his concert, too. Jackie Q is the love of Aldous’ life, and he’ll do anything and everything to win her heart. With the concert fast approaching and Aaron’s fledgling career on the line, the race is on to get Aldous to the Greek, and ensure the big show goes off without a hitch.” – Jason Buchanan, All Movie Guide

By Matt Clyburn

The Last Exorcism reveals a unique facet of our collective American personality: for better or worse, we just love movies about exorcising demons.

Colonial America was a breeding ground of different religious faiths, superstitions, and diverse belief systems.  As a nation, we carry these traditions with us and intermingle with even more of the same.

The Exorcist began our love affair with these movies in 1973 by capturing the fusion of our distinctive past and our desire to be terrified at the local theater.  Our latest venture into this genre brings a new interpretation to a society that associates less with religion but is more spiritual than ever.

Reverend Cotton Marcus was raised to be a Louisiana evangelist but finds himself at a religious crossroads.  After years of performing exorcisms in the style of parlor magicians, he realizes that his “beliefs” are based on a self-indulgent caricature of a preacher, rather than on fundamental faith.  A young boy with autism has recently been killed in the process of a mock exorcism and Marcus is intent on exposing the practice as a fraud.

Marcus chooses a letter at random from a prospective exorcism client and drives into the Louisiana bayou with a documentary film crew.  Out in the swamplands, we meet Nell Sweetzer whom Marcus believes is suffering from a mental condition causing her to believe she is possessed by a demon.  Marcus performs his tricks true to form and leaves the Sweetzer farm, believing that his troubles are behind him.  Before long, we find Nell in the Reverend’s hotel room miles away from her home and suffering from some strange symptoms.  Upon arrival back at the farm, Reverend Marcus begins to discover the true meaning of evil.

Cloverfield-like cinematography takes us through the movie, courtesy of our documentary film crew.  The “scary factor” is not nearly what I would expect from an exorcism movie, but this tactic ultimately serves a purpose: to desensitize the audience so much that the ending will knock you off your seat.

Rather than jumping out of your skin for the duration of the movie, you will be asking yourself questions about what exactly could be happening.  The characters that facilitate this questioning are extremely well developed (thanks in part to a somewhat lengthy introduction by Reverend Marcus) and the actors behind them easily exceed expectations.

As I stated at this review’s introduction, The Last Exorcism is a new approach in a changing world.  Our collective experience allows us to relate to the characters and seek answers along the way – a winning combination.  Those that are wise to accepting something new will enjoy this movie – controversial ending and all.

By Jason Cunningham

The Heirlooms’ self-titled debut EP isn’t the strongest. Jesse Stanford, the band’s core songwriter and lead vocalist, has composed four songs with such a thick need to take themselves seriously that they fail to achieve mediocrity. Stanford seems desperate to sound like someone with something deep and meaningful to express, but his lyrics are cliché at best. They sound more like a collection of lines recycled from his influences rather than songs that actually came from his psyche.

The opening track “Old Rose” sounds like it belongs on the Garden State soundtrack. The second track “Bloodstar” sounds like something penned during a severe Elliot Smith period. While there are catchy elements to both songs, they become forgettable because of their lack of originality.

“The Bowery” comes next, an ear piercing track that’s too painful to stand at its best moments. Stanford becomes overwhelming during that song, pushing out lines that are amiss with all of his might in a mix where his voice is just far too loud to sound pleasant. Making it to the fourth song takes serious patience. The EP’s closer “Shaker Hymn” sounds like the mutant baby of Jack Johnson and Zooey Deschanel. It’s not vomit worthy, but it might make you feel a tad queasy.

The Heirlooms are drenched in imitation and don’t really having anything new to offer, but that doesn’t mean they won’t pick up a following. If the blame for these shoddy songs should be put on their leader than he also deserves credit for understanding what many trendy hipsters in the area will like and listen to. The Heirlooms have definitely set out to develop a very generic and extremely commercial friendly sound under Stanford’s direction. They’ve succeeded in doing it. This EP will be easily accessible to those who enjoy inflated earnestness and unoriginality in their music.

With the prospect of terrorism hovering over our heads, things certainly have not changed since the Cold War era; fear always prevails in times of war. For this reason, Stanley Kubrick’s dark comic classic Dr. Strangelove or: How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Bomb is as fresh as ever. Released in the middle of the Cold War in 1964, Strangelove is a biting commentary on the inept minds that run the military struggles in our world and how often our pitfalls come not from outside the good ol’ U.S. of A, but often from within. Funny, ain’t it?

Strangelove is the story of grave faux pas: a crazed general (Jack D. Ripper, played by stone-toned Sterling Hayden) who, out of delusion and paranoia, orders a unit of bombers to attack the Russian front. Despite the scrambling efforts of political and military minds alike, the orders are carried out and the Reds are nuked, causing a retaliatory chain of…well, I won’t reveal too much, but let’s just say it rhymes with booclear polocaust.

Despite the grim material, Strangelove is not a dreadful film. It should not inspire fear, but rather a clean escape from the tribulations of the current day. It is not a film that makes you feel any better about whatever state of battle we are in at the time, but in the case of the almost too true to life characters, sometimes it’s best to laugh at them instead of with them.

As if the story itself did not have a certain self-awareness, Strangelove is scored by acute irony. The soothing sounds of the opening credits are followed by a recurring revamp of “The Ants Go Marching One by One” (which no doubt is a jab at the immaturity of war in general, masked in sophistication). The famous final scene (a montage of nuclear explosions) is set to “We’ll Meet Again,” as the world meets its end via nuclear holocaust. Nihilistic cynicism or faith in a heavenly outcome, take your pick.

Though Stanley Kubrick is remembered for his dreamlike imagery in films like 2001: A Space Odyssey and The Shining, the style of Strangelove is more rigid in its black-and-white grittiness. It’s his last non-color film, but that is not to say that the film stock adds nothing; it matches the material suitably. Beginning with a voiceover about the rumored ‘Doomsday device’ from the Russians (a very real concept that thankfully was never executed), as well as title credits over stock footage of airborne bomber planes, Strangelove plays like one long propaganda film. This time instead of the attack coming from ‘them,’ it comes from us.

If there’s any single reason to watch Dr. Strangelove, it’s the great Peter Sellers, and if there’s any doubt of his acting credibility, this film will invert such doubt. Sellers slips right into each of his three roles, and in each case, he ceases to become recognizable. His portrayals of Mandrake, Muffley and Strangelove are golden in their own right, and they range from minimalist to outrageous. Though he received an Academy Award nomination for the three roles collectively, each one could have been individually recognized. Though it’s difficult to pick one scene as Sellers’ best, the most hilarious one to watch out for features him reporting the news of an impending nuclear attack to premier of Russia.

Sterling Hayden defines subdued yet cathartic paranoia in his portrayal of General Jack Ripper. He is cool, collected and insane. He brandishes his cigar like a salty cartoon character. An anti-Marxist Groucho Marx, you might say. In between puffs from his cigar, he offers Mandrake his two cents on the “impending” communist infiltration: “I will not sit back and allow…the communist conspiracy to sap and purify all of our precious bodily fluids.” We find out later that he discovered this theory during a bout of sexual inadequacy. Simple mistake which any person could have made.

The key to the Strangelove’s success is its serious tone; not a single character has the slightest idea of the absurdity of what is going on. There is no poking fun at any of the characters’ names (Major “King Kong, Buck Turgidson), nor is there any intended irony in George C. Scott’s mannerisms. As Roger Ebert said in his essay on Strangelove, “A man wearing a funny hat is not funny. But a man who doesn’t know he’s wearing a funny hat … ah, now you’ve got something.” According to film lore, the tone was almost completely ruined before final cut. Kubrick filmed a giant pie fight as the finale, which is one alternate ending that is better left to pieces. The overall effect would have been lost, and while I am curious to see the alternate ending, I won’t be holding my breath for its recovery. Take my advice: appreciate the good things in life for what they are, especially if it’s Stanley Kubrick’s Dr. Strangelove.

By Sara Berry

It has been six years since sisters Ann and Nancy Wilson, better known to the world as the band Heart, released their last studio album. Their latest effort, Red Velvet Car, proves that these ladies can still rock. The album is a mix of the rocking guitar tunes and edgy ballads that the group is known for. It features ten songs and runs 37 minutes. The vocals are strong, backed by solid guitar playing and an assortment of other acoustic instruments.

The album opens with the catchy tune “There You Go,” which will have you singing the chorus by the end of the song. The next few songs keep the rock feel and move gradually into the slower songs.

The title track “Red Velvet Car” is a slow guitar song reflecting on an imperfect, but very real relationship, a sort of marriage of the band’s 1985 hit “What About Love” and 1990’s “All I Wanna Do is Make Love to You.” This year’s version adds some strings to the mix of guitar and light percussion, starting slow and growing into one of those power ballads that dominated the 80s.

There are several themes that run through the songs on the album, perhaps the most obvious one being that suggested by the title of the album – travel and moving on. It’s anyone’s guess what they had in mind – literal travel, moving on from one relationship to another, or simply moving from one point in life to the next. Each person can make of it what they will.

The last three songs, “Death Valley,” “Sunflower,” and “Sand” also lend Red Velvet Car something of a nature theme as the lyrics refer to the California desert, the beauty and intricacy of flowers, the sun and stars, and the passage of time like sand in an hourglass.

Despite Heart’s clear place in the music of the 80s, they have shown that they are versatile enough to move into the 21st century while maintaining their own identity.

The album’s only downfall? It was too short. I would have gladly listened to a few extra songs.

The Central Connecticut Acappella Society will host its fourth annual Welcome Back Concert in Alumni Hall Thursday at 8 p.m.  Three of the organization’s vocal ensembles, AcaBellas, Divisi and TGFI, are scheduled to perform.

The Welcome Back Concert is held by the group at the beginning of each semester to act both as a musical kick-off to the first semester and a platform for recruiting new members.

“It’s a great opportunity to showcase the talent at CCSU and also for prospective students to become involved at our school,” said CCAS President and TGFI member Teresa Lewis.

Tables will be set up to distribute information and to start a dialogue between potential new members and current members of the ensembles.  Each of the three groups has different tryout processes and different expectations of members.

“We’re very excited about this year’s welcome back concert and to get our fifth year as an acappella society underway,”  said CCAS Vice President Andy Degan.  “It promises to be a face-melting good time.”

Each group has a different style and repertoire, ranging from classical to vocal jazz and pop to modern rock.  In addition to a concert each semester, many of the groups have taken CCSU acappella across Connecticut for local television stations, college campuses and performing arts venues.

The CCAS was founded by Megan LaPorta and Marques Ruff in October of 2005.  It was originally comprised of AcaBellas and Divisi. TGFI was founded in 2007 by Emily LaRose.

By Max Kyburz

Instead of starting off their new album with a much-cliched foreboding intro, noodly death metal outfit Cephalic Carnage instead punches you before exchanging pleasantries with their first track, titled ‘The Incorrigible Flame.’ Combining Scandinavian death grooves with mathematical precision, Cephalic Carnage introduces themselves as a band true to the ethics of death metal; combining elements from the past while looking into the future (and using astonishing diction).

Powering through the first two tracks, Cephalic ends up with track three, ‘Abraxas of Filth,’ a crushing track that combines pounding beats with free-form jazz rhythm (if there were such a thing). All this while the double bass drum flutters like the bubbles in their bong water.

The band cools off for a bit with ‘Cordyceps Humanis,’ a stoner hymn that offers its fans the chance to lurk instead of mosh for a few brief moments. Once the breather is over, Cephalic spring back into action with ‘Raped by an Orb.’ It is a more brutal song then its predecessor, but it still retains some of the same pace, showing that they have something more up their sleeves.

Sure enough they do. The next track, ‘P.G.A.D.,’ incorporates crust punk elements into the already eclectic mix, but it’s not enough to prepare the listener for the awe of the next track, ‘Dimensional Modulation Transmography.’ If there were such a thing as controlled chaos, this song is it. Starting with a politically charged sample and subtle bass solo, the song suddenly explodes. Revealing the tight skills of drummer John Merryman, ‘Modulation’ is the apex of the album, exposing all of the attributes that make Cephalic Carnage who they are known to be.

Although the latter tracks of the album become cyclical, they finish off strong with ‘Repangaea’, a sludgy tune that will has flashes of bands like Mastodon and Sleep. But just when you think it’s all over, they end on a humorous note with ‘Aeyeuchg!,’ a thirty second parody of black metal. I won’t spoil too much, but try to envision the crypt keeper hacking and vomiting. For a band that’s serious about their craft, that seriousness doesn’t transfer easily to their own self image. Thank God.

Goo Goo Dolls
Something for the Rest of Us
Warner Bros.
August 31st

By Nicholas Proch

Since their breakthrough triple-platinum album Dizzy Up the Girl, the Goo Goo Dolls have been enjoying a life of success, popularity and touring. The band’s newest effort, Something for the Rest of Us, ranks on par with past releases by the group.

The opening track of the album, ‘Sweetest Lie,’ is a great way to kick-off. With a good vocal effort by lead member John Rzeznik, you can really feel the mood of the album. This seems to be a darker, more somber compilation of songs. As the Goo Goo Dolls often do, they are trying to reach a mainstream audience. I would expect that this album will tailor to the likes of teenage girls around the world.

The title track, ‘Something for the Rest of Us,’ is a slower ballad-like effort. It’s a slow moving song with no real structure but just a general mood. At times this works, but the length of the song tends to bore after four and a half minutes.

The last two compositions on the album are the strongest since the opening track. ‘Hey Ya’ and ‘Soldier’ send the listener on their way satisfied. ‘Hey Ya’ has a great structure to it. Albeit this format has been butchered to death by the band, they don’t have to change what works. ‘Soldier’ should have been the title track. It’s well written, well executed and has a great feel to it. Building from the first moment, it’s a true finale to the album.

While the Goo Goo Dolls may never regain the complete commercial success they once had, they are certainly taking steps in the right direction of doing so. For now, check out ‘Sweetest Lie’ and ‘Soldier’ unless you are a die-hard who needs to have their whole catalogue.

By Michael Walsh

Once the fiery explosions settle and the screen is clean of blood and guts, all that’s left of Sylvester Stallone’s highly hyped-up action blockbuster The Expendables is a largely forgettable yet still serviceable mindless romp through the fictional island of Vilena, amped by quite possibly the most typecasted ensemble cast in the history of Hollywood.

Stallone’s The Expendables was supposed to be the manliest of them all; the action film that makes other action films tremble in its leather boots. But when you get over the gnarly gore and the randomly interconnected action sequences, Stallone’s film is in one ear and out the other, not creating more than a few merely okay moments of intestinal fortitude to leave impressed with.

The film was touted as having one of the best action casts you might have ever laid witness to, but when you realize that part of that star-studded cast is former wrestler Stone Cold Steve Austin, UFC fighter Randy Couture and former football player Terry Crews, the excitement quickly subsides and rests on the shoulders of headliners Sly Stallone and Jason Statham. While Jet Li makes a formidable addition to the group and Dolph Lundgren is just kind of silly to look at, other tough guy Mickey Rourke completely sits out of the action, resorting to drawing tattoos and telling old war stories, a complete disappointment of what could have been a brilliant casting of a great actor who has turned a corner in his up and down career. The film’s best scene is when Stallone is joined on screen with Bruce Willis and Arnold Schwarzenegger. Oh what a film it could have been with a committed John McClane and Terminator in focus.

The Expendables will absolutely fill the summer’s quota for blood, guts, gore and dead bodies, but it doesn’t do so in a memorable way. The film’s plot is largely forgettable and is not even enjoyable in an absurd way. A motley group of secretive war veterans team up and head to a small island to overthrow a dictator and the ex-CIA controlling him, all the while trying to save a damsel in distress. Each character in the Stallone-penned screenplay has a personality and background that falls off the face of the earth by the film’s conclusion. These characters are so secretive to their mission and their pasts that the deepest we get are a few muddy war stories and botched relationships. Give me something to remember them from outside of their possibly plastic faces, popping veins and deep bronze tans.

And in the end, isn’t that what this film is about? The characters and personas that made some of these actors the biggest of the literally biggest action stars of the 1980’s? None of these characters will have a legacy like those of Hollywood’s past, and this comes at the expense of the film’s decision to ignore even the slightest character development and personality. Even a tweak here and a tweak there of emotional toil would have made for a much more memorable and long-living film. Jean-Claude Van Damme wasn’t kidding when he turned down a part in the film because there was no substance in the character.

Not much is being said in Stallone’s kill for the sake of it joy ride, but there was so much more that could have been said as Stallone’s screenplay balanced on the line of full-on action film and a sort of self-reflective meditation on old age, similar to Van Damme’s wonderful film JCVD. But while Stallone was busy juggling acting, directing and writing, the film seemed to be unable to make up its mind. It’s disappointing in many ways, as Stallone has writing credits on the classic First Blood, which introduced us to John Rambo for the first and definitely not last time. Even Stallone’s 2008 Rambo was a thoughtful, maintained and explosive action film. Stallone seemed to be literally juggling the camera, as the film’s action sequences often fall prey to the modern plague that is shaky cam. The same terrible camerawork that plagued titles such as the latest Bond film has seemed to infected Stallone’s sense of judgement, leading to even more meaningless action sequences pieced together one-by-one in whatever order they felt appropriate.

And I realize that if a film accomplishes what the creators set out to do that you cut it a little slack in other production areas. But I’m also not so sure that The Expendables did accomplish everything it aimed to be. Perhaps one’s personal expectations of explosions, blood, more explosions and more blood are met, but I don’t think Stallone wanted it to leave viewer’s minds so quickly. There’s no doubt this film sold well on its star power, but these big names and this film’s success was created on the genius of other films and is the only reason this film wasn’t released as a B-grade level action film with a wasted budget. The attempted concoction of tough guys is underwhelming and just doesn’t work. It’s like if I poured my favorite 12 beers together in a pot and decided to drink it. It won’t make for a miracle.