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‘Hansel and Gretel’ Fails to Entertain

By Joe Suszczynski

Hollywood has recently been turning classic fairy tale stories into full length features. Classic tales like Little Red Riding Hood and Snow White have been subject to the film treatment. Both of these movies made out quite well from a financial standpoint, but have been deemed terrible by critics.

Now Hollywood has done it again and released a movie based on Hansel and Gretel. The movie is about the two main characters of the story (Jeremy Renner and Gemma Arterton) who survived the witch’s capture and have become witch hunters. The main antagonist is a witch (Famke Janssen), who is having children kidnapped for a feast where they will be sacrificed so witches will be immune to fire.

This movie is just horrendous to say the least. There was nothing entertaining about this movie at all.

The acting was horribly bland. I feel guilty saying that because I enjoy Jeremy Renner as an actor. He has been in some brilliant movies like The Hurt Locker and The Town, but this is unforgivable. The main and supporting actresses were cute to look at, but that only does so much. There needs to be this thing called “acting” to make a person proficient at whatever they are doing.

I also found this movie to be incredibly boring. It was like dragging nails on a chalkboard while getting your teeth pulled. I felt no sense of danger or fear for the characters at hand. Even when people were being mutilated I didn’t even flinch. It was probably due to the excessive use of CGI (computer generated imagery.)

The writing was abysmal. This movie was, a “what happens next?” in the classic story. We all know that Hansel and Gretel escape the witch’s gingerbread house at the end of the book, but did they really need to make a film trying to tell what happened afterwards? They also worked in this angle where Hansel got diabetes from eating too much of the witch’s candy that she forced him to consume, to which he has to inject himself with insulin even though the film played it off as a curse of some sort. Really? That’s absolutely absurd that the writers even considered putting that in the story.

This movie is appalling. Not even the actresses in this film, who clearly were chosen for their looks, can redeem it. The acting was dreadful and the writing was ghastly. The use of CGI was overdone to the max.

This movie was only made because the other fairy tale films managed to be a financial hit and the distributors who green lit this project (Paramount Pictures) made it in an attempt to try to cash in regardless of public opinion.

And I’m sure it’ll make some money being that the budget of this movie was reported to be $50 million. A lot of people like violence and will go see this because they will get to see blood and guts and it will satisfy them. Myself, I am not content because I find this movie to be reprehensible in terms of filmmaking.

I would not recommend seeing this film, nor would I recommend even paying to rent it because no amount of money is worth seeing this absolute garbage.